Emotional Rollercoaster

This week has been a very, very tough one for me. I've had some high highs and some low lows. I've had to make some big decisions and then had to figure out what those decisions really mean. I've had to have some very tough conversations and figure out what to say and what not to say. It's been a struggle throughout the week and while we're on the high side of things right now, there's still the glimpse of the valley and the question of when we'll be back down there again and what will I do when I get there. As the week has gone on, I've realized that each of my New Year's resolutions have an emotional component to them. When I'm sad or angry or frustrated, I like to hide from those emotions. One way I do that is by going shopping. I don't have to face my feelings when I'm looking for things to buy - whether frivolous things or practical things. And the longer I shop (and the more money I spend) the longer I get to put off the feelings. Another way I hide from emotions is through mindless entertainment - sitting on the couch watching TV or playing on the internet. When I'm walking to and from the gym, I have to think (I don't have an Ipod). When I'm numbing my brain, I don't have to think. So, I've worked in continuing my resolutions despite the emotions. I was partially successful. Still not within the budget exactly. Worked out 2 instead of 3 days. Half the week was responsible on the internet. It hasn't been perfect but I'm a work in progress. I'm not giving up yet.

The New Year

I don't really do New Year's Resolutions. They don't seem to stick and I've never like going along with the expected. So when my hubby asked me what my resolution was, I said I didn't make one. He didn't accept that answer from me - he has a major resolution he made and is working on and so he figured I should have one, too. I figured that was fair - I'm very happy with the changes he's making so I'd like to reciprocate if possible. And then, because I like to overshoot the mark (thus the 22 years of post high school schooling), I came up with three different resolutions. The first one is the typical, expected, lame one - I'd like to work out more often. More specifically, I'd like to work out 3-5 times a week for at least a half hour. Our apartment complex has a fairly nice gym - not fancy, but OK; and we also have some different Wii games that get me moving. The second resolution is to work on paying off my loans. Between school loans, personal loans, and credit cards, I have quite a hefty balance. In the next year, I'd like to at least cut 1/3 from the total balance of that loan amount and I'll only be able to do that if I keep myself to a stricter budget. The final resolution is in regards to the internet. Because a majority of my work (outside the classroom) is on the computer, my main time waster is going to internet websites again and again and again to check and see if there's something new and interesting to see since the last time I checked it 15 minutes ago. So the resolution is that I only visit a website (besides my work email) once in a 24 hour period.
Now, we're already into the 4th week of January and you may wonder how I'm doing, and I'll say its ok. I've worked out at least once a week for the past 3 weeks. I'm only $20 over my budget for next week (which means I've spent this week's budget and started spending next week's) and I'm making consistent, if less than desired, payments to my loans. I've also managed to keep my internet visits somewhat under control. Actually, that's the one I'm doing best and my work has definitely benefitted. But as you can see, I'm not doing exactly what I want. That's the reason for this blog entry. I don't actually know if anyone is following this blog anymore - 1 year later I expect some aren't checking anymore and the others will be surprised when something shows up on your Google Reader - but I wanted to put in writing my progress over the next 12 months. Don't know if this will help me keep myself in line, but each of my resolutions will result in a better life for me, my family, and my work so I'm doing what I can to succeed. Wish me well!