The End

After a year and five months of work, my marriage has (semi) officially come to an end. He didn't like the boundaries I set up and told me he didn't want to work on our marriage anymore, and I am relieved that there is finally an end to the limbo that I've experienced for a long time. I thought I'd end that chapter of my life with a few lessons I've learned:
1. I have a tendency to start something - relationships, projects, etc. - and then ask God to help me work my way through it, rather than praying over it carefully ahead of time and then stepping into it. This impetuosity leads to a lot of fun adventures, but also some pain.
2. I like the fact that I'm independent and I like making decisions on my own. So, when I've made a questionable decision - even knowing in my heart it's questionable - I avoid getting any critical feedback by presenting it in a way that pushes away any criticism. When I told people I was marrying Joe, I started the discussion by saying I knew it was quick, but I was going to do it... heading off any questions people might have. I am learning to ask for advice and state my decisions as less set in stone, so that I can receive the benefit of the advice of other people wiser than me.
3. I love risk and adventure, and my relationships often have a hint of that. So, seeking risk and adventure in other areas of my life will keep me satisfied in that area and, hopefully, allow a more positive romantic relationship develop. (This is the main reason for purchasing the motorcycle).
4. I don't need a romantic relationship, but I need to be open to it. I need to find a man that fits my life a lot more. I used to get angry at myself for being so picky, but in this case I wasn't picky enough. If God has a man out there for me, that man will need to have the same values and dreams for the future that I do, because I can't serve God with anything less.
5. And another idea I'm thinking through - because of the trauma J has experienced with her dad and step-dad, I may need to push off any potential romance into the future 4-5 years. It will depend on circumstances, and she's says she's open to it, but she and I need to heal before we can be ready to add anyone else in.

So, I thank you for your prayers over the last few years. I am very contented with my life right now, and I know that I've been through things I needed to experience in order to get myself facing the right direction again. I'm ready to see where we go from here.

The Dinner Party

A couple weeks ago, J invited four of her friends over for a dinner party. She cooked and decorated the whole dinner on her own and it was a huge success.
For the starters, she served deviled eggs (which took a tumble on the floor) and bacon wrapped smokies.

She then made cheese pizza, with a homemade crust and homemade pizza sauce.

While the first three dishes were not exactly health-conscious, she did make vegetables as well. Broccoli with asiago cheese and asparagus with a balsamic glaze.

Then she finished it all off with brownies (which had difficulty getting out of the pan) and ice cream.

She chose the tablecloth and candles - I offered more decorating options, but that's what she chose. The girls all held hands and prayed before dinner and then dug in and enjoyed. I hung out in my room - I was feeling under the weather - and listened in on the types of conversations typical with preteen girls. Then, around 10:00 they started asking if they could all spend the night. So we ended up having an impromptu sleepover as well. They stayed up super late, but all got up in time to go to church in the morning. It was a fun, if exhausting, evening.

An Update in the Marriage Department

Some of you have been kept up to date on the happenings in my marriage, but some of you haven't, and are curious, so I'll give you the update to this point. In December, things were continuing to spiral out of control - fight, unproductive discussion, more fighting, kind of make up, more fighting, more unproductive discussions, etc. etc. So, since this fighting is clearly harmful to the marriage in general, I told him that I needed a break for him to go to counseling on his own to work out his anger issues, and for me to get some space and separation so that I could deal with my thoughts and feelings on everything. Although I told him, more than once, that I wanted total separation, he chose to text or email me at least 3-4 times a week. Each communication just communicated disrespect to me, and about 3 weeks ago I began thinking that I was done with the relationship altogether. After some good discussions with my parents, my pastor and his wife, and with God, I decided to go to his counselor with him and just tell him, with no holds barred, how I was feeling about all this. Not to end the relationship, but to put my feelings out there. Today was the day. I woke up early, since I've done nothing for the past week except rehash an imaginary conversation in my head. I decided to see what God had to say in His letter to me, and to my surprise I opened my Bible to Psalms 23. It was an amazing reminder to me from the One who loves me more than anyone else. I cried and prayed and felt pretty good about the whole day. I texted some people to ask them to pray, hugged J and asked her to pray, and headed to the session. I admit that I sat in my car outside the counseling center for a couple minutes, unwilling to go in to face him, but then I remembered, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me." So I headed inside, said hi to him and then the counselor came in and we began.
I wasn't sure how the whole session was going to go, but it ended up being really cathartic for me. I was finally able to say everything I wanted to say because, frankly, I didn't care if it ended my marriage or not. I did not say that I wanted a divorce, but I did say I don't trust him, don't feel loved by him, and don't feel respected by him and gave a lot of reasons for that. The counselor asked him questions about how he felt, what he wanted to say to me, and whether he was willing to work on this still. He said he was, so the counselor suggested that we try the total separation again - no texting or emailing for an indefinite period of time until I felt comfortable to meet up with him and the counselor again. I was comfortable with that, he was comfortable with that, and we parted.
Then, about an hour ago I got an email from him.
Surprise, surprise.
Sigh.

J's 12 Tasks of Womanhood

Well, we're off and running with the 12 Tasks of Womanhood for my lovely daughter. A week and a half ago, we headed to Santa Ana, CA for an all day babysitting class. She got to learn about CPR and how to respond to rebellious kids (among other things). She had a great time quizzing me all the way home about what I would do in a hypothetical situation (what if they wouldn't get ready for bed? What if a stranger came to the door? What do you do get hired again?) At church the next day, she tracked down everyone she knew with small children (and at our church that's A LOT!!!) and told them she was now certified to help them out. We may have one mother of 3 kids (4 and under) who wants someone to entertain her kids while she gets work done in the house, so we'll see if that pans out.
Another task she has completed is being in charge of our finances. When I got my last paycheck, I handed over the money we spend for groceries, laundry, gas, and fun stuff and let her be in charge. I told her that she got to make all the decisions, but she could ask me for help if she wanted. She started out pretty sure that she could get all the groceries we needed for the 2 weeks for around $30, but quickly learned that was unrealistic :). She did a great job, however. She did buy some things that were not "necessities" but limited them enough so we could have fun but still have enough when the milk ran out. Her responsibility ended today and we have about $1.50 left over.
Some of her tasks are more ongoing. She is supposed to get at least a B- average in school for the next 2 semesters. She's a little behind this semester, but has been actively trying to catch up. She's also supposed to do her devotions at least 3 times a week and she has been keeping up with that as well. I was pleased when I learned that she is reading through the book of Acts to keep up with the sermon series our pastor has been delivering for the past month.
This weekend we will complete the 3rd task - dinner party for friends. She's been practicing recipes the last couple weeks and has sent out the invitations, so we'll see how that one goes. It has been fun experiencing these things with her and seeing her step out and grow. Looking forward to what happens next!

Just As You Are

I would not call myself a sentimental person. I'm fairly level-headed, rarely get swept away by emotion, cry only rarely. And yet, I will freely admit that I enjoy a good romantic comedy occasionally. I like a happily-ever-after ending and in a rom-com, that ending is guaranteed. Despite the ridiculous circumstances that throw the main characters together, the mindless fun of it is great after a long day of intellectualizing. Despite my enjoyment of this movie genre, I am completely aware that while rom-com's are happily-ever-after, real life is not. Life and love require work, dedication, and sacrifice.
One line from an old rom-com catches my heart, however. In Bridget Jones' Diary, Colin Firth says something that I have been really longing to hear over the past two years and that is,

"I like you very much. Just as you are." I don't think the line meant a whole lot to me when I watched the movie for the first time, but I've come to really long for that acceptance. The crux of my marriage is that my husband does not like me just as I am. He likes a couple things about me and has been working really hard to change most of the other things that make me who I am - my looks, my housekeeping, my intelligence, my parenting, among other things all are inadequate for him. He says he loves me, but it's hard to believe that when he really doesn't like much about me. That said, I hope you all out there tell your partners how much you not only love them, but really Like them. Just as they are.

What I Love

My daughter
My God
Reading an engrossing book that keeps you up until 3 in the morning
Wearing PJ's all day long
Listening to the dog whine and growl in her sleep
Hanging out with friends that you don't make me feel pressured
Listening to a great student's speech
Warm, sunny 85 degree days in January
Chilling with my family
Good Mexican food
Good Japanese food
Good Chinese food
Seeing the results of a day spent working hard
When my girl has to stop what she's doing to run in my room to tell me every little thing she has read/seen/thought about
Visiting new places
Seeing snow on the mountains
A good back rub
Being told that I'm appreciated
Getting the perfect gift - perfect not because it is the perfect thing, but because someone took the time to think about me and what I like
The smell of flowers
The sound of children laughing hysterically
A day of adventure

On the First Day of Christmas...

Jordan and I came up with 12 days of Christmas fun this year to keep us feeling festive.
On the first day of Christmas, my kid and I saw sights, driving around and seeing Christmas lights.
On the second day of Christmas, was a little more mellow, snuggling with jammies and peppermint cocoa.
On the third day of Christmas, we hit a little snag, baking eggnog muffins that taste bad (but the eggnog scones were a hit).
On the fourth day of Christmas, to Newport Beach we flew, watching lighted yachts and  houses too. (very fun)
On the fifth day of Christmas, the family by our side: Five from Oceanside!
On the sixth day of Christmas, a day of sweets and friends, constructing a house that's made with gingerbread.
On the seventh day of Christmas, we headed to downtown, the Mission Inn is lighted all around (and it's gorgeous).
On the eighth day of Christmas, watching Elf was in my head, bnireut Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe played instead (apparently she's seen it too many times).
On the ninth day of Christmas we're heading down the lane, to hear the story of the candy cane (and eat some warm ones).
On the tenth day of Christmas, more culture comes in play, as we watch the Nutcracker ballet.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, we'll celebrate the King, joining our church family to pray and sing. (we're also going to read the Night Before Christmas and watch the Nightmare Before Christmas, but that didn't fit the line of the song.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, the day this silly song ends, it's the Christmas Story, presents, and dinner with friends.

Merry Christmas everybody!