Beauty from Ashes

In the last couple weeks, my husband and I have been communicating on a regular basis. We're talking about business related things - bills to pay, mail to pick up, etc. - but we're also talking about our lives and our feelings. It almost feels like we're dating again, but without the dates. One day when I came back from helping him fix his computer, J was especially angry with everything I said and did. When she said she was sorry (for the 4th or 5th time) she also said she didn't know why she was so upset. I said that I did know - she was upset that I was spending time with him again. She agreed and then said she didn't see how I could forgive him. What a great opportunity to talk about forgiveness. God told us to forgive continually, without end, and even when others do not deserve it. He did this for our benefit, not the benefit of the people who hurt us. That does not mean that we give people free rein to continue to hurt and abuse us however they want to, but it means we let it go. We let go of the need to get back whatever we lost. She told me she didn't want to forgive him, but the next day she came to me and said, "I've forgiven him, mom." It almost made me cry. I know how hard it is to forgive someone when they hurt you, but I also know how much less pain there is once you've done it.
Now I don't know if I'll be able to go back to living with my husband again. I've told him that we need to get counseling together before that happens and he hasn't said anything about it since. I do know, however, that the past year of my life was not a wasted year. I know that God has a plan that we don't always (or often, or ever) see. I also know that the plan He has for us isn't often a nice, warm, comfortable plan. It doesn't usually involve satin sheets and beauty spas (although they are nice bonuses every once in a while). The people of faith in the Bible lived very hard, unsafe lives. They suffered. My pastor from PA once said - and I've remembered it ever since - that Christians often pray something that has no bearing from Scripture. We ask God to keep us safe - safe in our journeys, in our days, in our sleep. But really we should be praying that God keeps us dangerous, because only in our discomfort and insecurity is His glory and plan evident. I have a lot of hope that the pain and discomfort of the past year was not just a footnote of my life which I have to spend the rest of my life getting over. I have hope that this past year has been spent for the purpose of redeeming the life of a lost lamb to his Shepherd. I have hope that if I seek what God wants me to do and keep moving forward with His goals in mind, His work will be done in my husband's life.

Becoming a Woman

So I've been thinking through what tasks I'll have J perform next year as she becomes a woman :)
I've only come up with a few, but thought I'd post them to see if there's any feedback out there in virtual land...
The first one - which I think will be fun, too - is to host a dinner party for her friends. She'd be responsible for choosing the menu and decorations, shopping for them, sending out invitations, cooking and baking... We'd spend several weeks before talking it all over, looking at magazines and websites for ideas, and discussing the importance of hospitality.
The next would be to come on a mission trip with me. That would be a longer term project involving training, fund raising, and going.
I thought it would be fun to include some language learning, not sure what the culmination of that would be - what would the actual "event" be in which she could show the language skills?
I wanted to include some physical activity, so I thought an AIDS walk or another 5K would work - I would walk with her. I also thought of try-outs for junior high sports since she's very interested in volleyball, but not sure if that would be the best. If she doesn't make the team, is that a failure? I'm still thinking that part through.
The last one I've thought about is for her to maintain a budget for a month - I would provide her with a "paycheck" at the beginning of the month and she'd have to pay rent, pay for food or buy her own, etc.
Thanks for the feedback you've given so far and I'd love any more suggestions, I need 7 more tasks if we're going to make it an even 12.

J's Performance

Since I finally got some pictures downloaded, I decided to show them all today. I tried to upload the video, but it didn't work, so I'll try another time.Their objective was to write a story that they told 3 times to 3 different audience. Their story was about a boy who finds a magic lamp with a genie, makes some bad wishes, and then learned his lesson. The 3 audiences were teenagers, the deaf, and sea creatures. Jordan was a dragon and was mortified with her costume and makeup - and more mortified that I took pictures of her that will last forever! They won the competition with this performance they wrote, designed the set, and practiced extensively.

The new place

Things I love about my new place:
1. smaller community = better parking
2. two decks!
3. granite counter tops in kitchen and bathrooms
4. great location
5. great price

Things I don't love:
1. the downstairs neighbor doesn't pick up after their dogs so the stench of their porch comes through to our living room if we leave the slider open
2. the pipes are very loud - especially in the middle of the night
3. all carpeting except the kitchen and bathrooms

 This is Jordan's room and her nice new bedding!

 You can see down the hall to my room and the 2nd deck is through the blinds.

 Our dining room and kitchen, right off the LR.

 My bedroom with 2 closets and a sink with a separate toilet/bath room.

The living room with the stinky deck, and our very sweet smelling puppy.

It's overall a good fit for J & I and I'm so grateful we found it.

Training Up a Child

J turns 13 this year, and I've decided we're going to make this a celebration of womanhood. We're currently going through the book Becoming a Young Woman of God by Jen Rawson which is a great conversation starter - it's meant as a youth group text, but I'm adapting it for the 2 of us. For J's birthday weekend in October, we're going to head to a hotel for a weekend to hang out, have fun, and have lots of deep talks. I got this idea from a couple of places. Firstly (don't judge) I was watching the Tyra Banks show and she told about her mom doing the same thing. While living in PA, I mentioned it to one of my friends, and she said she had done a similar thing with her daughter, only in her case it was listening to a book on CD while driving to New York. I think we'll do a more one-on-one-conversation approach, although J wants to go to Vegas so it would be a long enough drive to listen to some interesting stuff. So I'm planning to talk about what it means to be a woman and get into some more specifics about men and boys. We've had conversations about sex since she was pretty young - increasing the detail as she increased in age and maturity - but we're going to get a bit more graphic this time. Since 13 year old girls are getting pregnant every day and junior highers are engaging in oral sex on buses I want to make sure I'm the one that gives her all the real info instead of getting it from friends. If any of you know of some good resources for preparing myself for these kinds of conversations, I'd love to look into them. My knowledge of how men think is fairly limited, seeing as I'm a woman, and have never been in a romantic relationship for longer than a year and a half.
The other thing I'm considering was inspired by some people I met in Africa last year. They have 4 boys and their oldest is 14. On his birthday, they challenged him with the 12 tasks of manhood based on tribal customs (they live in Africa after all). Throughout the year, he'll be engaging in 12 activities that are meant to grow him physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. So far this year he has run in a 5K, worked toward learning the local language, done some manual labor (involving seafood - I'll let you fill in the blanks), and spent 2 nights in a local village to learn more of the culture. The year will culminate in a mountain climb at the end of the year with his dad. I really, really, really love this idea for many reasons. First I love that they are not babying him in any way. The things they are having him to do are things that some grown men would find challenging. I also love that it is a tangible way to celebrate his movement from boy to man and he will never forget it for the rest of his life. I can imagine that when he turns 15 he will truly feel as if he is a man of God. So I'm trying to think through whether this is the right time to do this with J - is she ready for this kind of challenge (and am I ready for her to grow up)? The other challenge is what tasks would I give to her? I'm thinking of things relating to a Proverbs 31 woman - there's a nice list on http://www.thercg.org/youth/articles/0302-vwalp.html. I'm also thinking that this might be appropriate if she goes on a mission trip with me next summer - becoming more mature is pretty important. I'd love some feedback or comments on this, and I'll probably post on this topic again - asking for more feedback as I focus on what I want to do.

And the hits, they just keep comin'

Well, it's a new week and a whole new set of challenges. I was starting to look a little more optimistically toward to future - the hubs got some money to pay off one of the loans I took out for him so I could pay it off. I no longer need to purchase anything for the new place so I can pay off the (over-extended) credit cards. Our shopping budget is down by half and the income has increased for the next 3 months and then a raise a month after that. Things looking good. A little too good... Yesterday I was heading to pick up J from school and as I left my school my radio turned off unexpectedly. Now, I've owned a lot of old cars and this has definitely happened to me before so I knew what it was, while hoping I was wrong. Thankfully, I was passing a mechanic as it starting failing electrically. So I pulled a U-turn and drove in. Dropped it off and asked them to take a look as I walked back to the school. Called Jordan and told her to take the bus home (as it drops her off a long way from our new place, she found a lady from our church to drive her home instead). An hour and a half later I received confirmation - the alternator went out. From my experience, a busted alternator is just the beginning of the end in car terms. My car is a decade old and has treated me really good so far, but there's no way I'm going to trust it to take the long drive to Oregon this summer, so I got it fixed so I am mobile again today, but I'm going to have to evaluate the finances and see how I can afford a good, reliable vehicle to last for a while. I still haven't gotten my first bill from all the utilities, etc. to see what my current budget needs to be, so we'll have to see what can be done. Bottom line is that the 1/3 deduction in debt is looking more like an increase in debt. Not the direction I was hoping to move.
Oh, and I haven't exercised at all and I am behind in grading, too.
On a more positive note, I slept better last night than I have in a long time and I'm emotionally feeling much better, too. I've had some more positive conversations with the hubs and so it looks like we're leaving this not hating each other and trying to hurt each other any more. So that's where we are.

Something's Missing

I'm missing something. The problem is, I can't admit I'm missing it. I can't, because I'm not supposed to be missing it. I'm supposed to much better off where I am. I'm supposed to be happy that things are calmer. I'm supposed to be a strong woman who doesn't need anyone else to make me satisfied. I'm not supposed to be checking my phone every hour to see if I've missed a text or a call. I'm supposed to be relieved that there is no more verbal abuse, no more angry silences, no more controlling behavior. Weak women go back to their abusers, and forgive the unforgivable and I'm not a weak woman. I'm a strong woman. I deserve better than that. I deserve someone who loves me "just as I am." I shouldn't be willing to get whatever I'm given, I should demand to get all that I deserve. So I can't admit that I want something. I can't admit that I consider getting it back, going back. I have to pretend that I'm better. I have to pretend that I'm where I want to be and doing what I want to do. And I'm getting good at pretending. I pretended all day on Sunday. I pretend while I continue to check my phone. And when the TV, or the books, or the work, or the traveling around/busyness doesn't drown out those traitorous thoughts, I have to tell myself again what I should be doing/thinking/saying/feeling. So I can pretend I'm not missing something.

Happy Anniversary - let's move on

So, I made it through the anniversary - tear-free too, I might add - and now I'm ready to get back to thinking through improving myself. I still can't get the budget on track until I get the first couple bills, but it looks promising - with my extra classes and my raise in September I should be doing well.
Exercising needs to become more of a priority, but I need to figure out how to get it done. I discovered there is a workout room - its a very sad little place though, 2 treadmills and a elliptical that doesn't work, no TV. I don't think I have the fortitude to stick it out in there. I have a gym across the street, but spending money on a membership would hurt the budget. I have the Wii still and my bike. Now I need to get myself on some kind of schedule to get the workouts happening. It's more complicated now because J is technically not in the same school district so I have to drive her to and from school for the rest of the year. Since I'm out anyway, I tend to go to school and work (or avoid work in my office) instead of coming back home and exercising. School ends in 3 1/2 weeks, I will be able to get it done then, just need to come up with something in the meantime. On a better note, the last time I weighed myself, I passed a significant milestone. 1 1/2 years ago I was in the 160's (not good!) In the past year I've lost almost 20 pounds and I'm now in the 140's!!!! If I continue my better eating habits - not snacking at night - I should be able to keep myself much more fit.
As for the internet issue, I've pretty much conquered that, and replaced my websites with solitaire games. I'm fairly pathetic. Now that the semester is coming to a close, I have A LOT of grading to do, and I manage to do a little grading every day, but a little isn't going to cut it. This week J is going to her cousins for a couple days, so my goal is to complete the grading of everything that has been turned in to date. That's a huge goal. It will require dedication and commitment. It will require blood, sweat, and tears. I wish I could grade without the computer, but pretty much everything is submitted online, so that's not going to happen. I will do it. I WILL do it. I will DO IT!!!!