The Spy

Jordan hates secrets and surprises. She is the kind of girl who reads the end of the book before going to the beginning and starting it. She always needs to know what's coming next in a movie and if there's a death or some kind of injury to anyone in the movie, must be prepared well in advance. She hates having to wait for Christmas day or her birthday to find out what presents she's getting and I can imagine that at some point in the future will be carefully unwrapping presents to see what she's getting as soon as they are put out. Because of this and because we're so close, I have trouble keeping anything from her. I like to tell her about what's going on in my life and except for birthdays and Christmas pretty much tell her anything. So when I started dating Joe, it was extremely difficult to omit information and give half truths to her about what I was doing and where I was going in my day. It felt really unnatural. I also felt like I was betraying her somehow. So I told her in very general terms that I was going on a date to a Christmas party. It wasn't the whole story, but it was something I could share with her. I totally forgot about her inability to accept only part of the story. So the questions began - who is he? where did you meet him? is he fat? (we'll have to have more discussions on body image and the importance of internal rather than external beauty), etc. I answered some questions and didn't answer others, but I did tell her that he lives in our apartment complex. So the latest date was breakfast on Monday and after getting home from work/school, Jordan and I found some roses sitting on my doorstep. It was a great surprise, and so I went over to his house to thank him. Jordan was instructed to sit in the house and do homework, but of course the little spy did not accept that. As I went across the parking lot, she watched me go up the stairs to his apartment. I went in and thanked him and then came back. Jordan told me she wanted to go play with friends, but on the way, she walked up to his apartment, knocked on the door and asked "Do you know Cyndi Boes?" He answered yes and then she talked to him for a while. He was very concerned that he had let the cat out of the bag, but I blame the sneaky little girl in my house. So, Jordan now knows about the dating and I guess I have to accept that...

On a Lighter Note

Conversation w/ J on the way out of the house this morning:

J: Michael Jackson was alive when you were a kid?
Me: He's older than me.
J: You should have dated him, then I could have a celebrity dad.
Me: I don't think so, he was a little bit weird.
J: How was he weird?
Me: In so many ways, we don't have time to go into it now...

New Leafs

The last month has been a challenging but good one for this introvert. I took myself seriously and worked hard to work on relationships with the people around me. I went to lunch with students, went to parties with friends, and made a real effort to connect with the people around me. I want to have real relationships instead of the surface "how are you?" "fine." conversations. It's not easy still - I'd much rather just smile, nod, and move on to my comfort zone, but it really is great when you connect with people on a real level. I even considered starting dating again - and wasn't sure how that would all work out with Jordan and my work schedule, but it was a consideration. I signed up for internet dating and then subsequently ignored any message sent by them and deleted my profile - just too weird for me. About a week after signing up however, I got a note on my car window from a neighbor asking me out to dinner. I waited a couple days and then texted him that I wasn't sure how to respond, and left it at that. After giving and receiving several more texts, I had breakfast with him last week and we've been having a pretty good time together. He told me he had been trying to get to know me for a really long time, but I was hard to meet - Really? Shocking! Anyway, I'm taking it very slow with this guy, but am amazed at the timing of everything. I must finally be ready for this stage of my life.

Oh, and Jordan doesn't know about it yet so don't spill the beans to her if you talk with her.

Also, if you would pray for me, dating this guy has brought up a lot of painful memories from the past - things I'm dealing with and which he is very understanding about, but it's not pleasant.

Insulation

Insulation, as far as I (a non-homeowner) understand it, blocks the transfer of heat between the home and the outdoors, protecting the people inside from the elements. It's a good thing, right? Something that keeps us all nice and warm and cozy in the winter and keeps us from broiling in the summer. It helps us save on heating and air conditioning bills, thus making it good for the environment. Why then is insulation not as good a thing for an individual? I was confronted this summer with insulating myself, protecting myself, from relationships. The person confronting me specifically referred to romantic relationships, but as I have been considering this idea over the past year (even before she talked to me about it) I realized that I have insulating myself from all relationships. It's much more comfortable for me to be in my own routine, in my own house, in my own world. Letting others into my world means that I must change something about myself and thus no longer being comfortable. It costs more to be uninsulated, it's not as cozy, and there is a potential of discomfort that I just don't like. I can tell myself that I'm an introvert, that this is my personality and there's nothing I can do about that, but that's not really an option. You see, Christ didn't tell us to go out and love on people if we're extroverted, letting the introverts just hang out in the wings. In fact, when poor old introverted Martha tried to hide in the kitchen and get the work done instead of hanging in the living room with the guests (I can totally relate to this, not the getting work done part, but the hiding part) He called her out on it and told her that being with Him was better. And He is with people, not with things. When I'm at home I've got just one person with me, and as important as she is, it's really not healthy for her or for me to have her my only person. So I've been trying, off and on, for the past year to get better at this relationship thing. And while the idea of dating makes me feel a little sick to my stomach (I HATE dating), the idea of making friends and trying to be a part of a real community isn't quite as frightening. And yes, writing this all out on a blog that most people probably aren't following anymore is not necessarily the most relational thing, I'm making a commitment (another word I'm not fond of) to actively work on those relationships instead of waiting for people to come to me.
Pray for me, I'll need it.