On the First Day of Christmas...

Jordan and I came up with 12 days of Christmas fun this year to keep us feeling festive.
On the first day of Christmas, my kid and I saw sights, driving around and seeing Christmas lights.
On the second day of Christmas, was a little more mellow, snuggling with jammies and peppermint cocoa.
On the third day of Christmas, we hit a little snag, baking eggnog muffins that taste bad (but the eggnog scones were a hit).
On the fourth day of Christmas, to Newport Beach we flew, watching lighted yachts and  houses too. (very fun)
On the fifth day of Christmas, the family by our side: Five from Oceanside!
On the sixth day of Christmas, a day of sweets and friends, constructing a house that's made with gingerbread.
On the seventh day of Christmas, we headed to downtown, the Mission Inn is lighted all around (and it's gorgeous).
On the eighth day of Christmas, watching Elf was in my head, bnireut Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe played instead (apparently she's seen it too many times).
On the ninth day of Christmas we're heading down the lane, to hear the story of the candy cane (and eat some warm ones).
On the tenth day of Christmas, more culture comes in play, as we watch the Nutcracker ballet.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, we'll celebrate the King, joining our church family to pray and sing. (we're also going to read the Night Before Christmas and watch the Nightmare Before Christmas, but that didn't fit the line of the song.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, the day this silly song ends, it's the Christmas Story, presents, and dinner with friends.

Merry Christmas everybody!

Bucket List

While working through things with my counselor a while back, it became apparent that I am a person who craves excitement and risk. I love change. I love to do new things. And if my life gets a little boring and predictable, I am liable to seek out things that I find risky and exciting - not always wise :)
So, she suggested that I write up a bucket list of things I want to do - so that when I get bored, I have a go-to list instead of getting myself into trouble. As I went through the list, I discovered that some were exciting, some less so, but all things I really want to do sometime in the future. So here they are:

Visit all 50 states (I have 16 to go, and am hoping to hit 3 of them during my conference in the North East next spring).
See the major Broadway shows (not necessarily on Broadway)
Join a rock climbing gym
Go to all the continents except Antarctica (I hate the cold, I have 3 continents to go)
Learn to box
Ski in Colorado
Have an herb garden (I have a Basil plant right now, so I'm on my way)
Attend a movie premiere
Dine at a 5 star restaurant
Learn to ride a motorcycle
Go to a TV show taping
See a play in London's West End
Take a cruise
Bake a souffle (did that last month!)
Learn sign language
Go to a day spa

It's fun to dream.

L.A.

J and I finally made it for our women's getaway. We had some hiccups with her schoolwork, but once that was on track, the mission was a go! We got up early on Saturday morning and headed out to the big city. As we were driving and listening to music, I was thinking of what I wanted to discuss with her first, when she beat me to it. She knew we were going to discuss sex and boys/men and bodies, so the questions have been circling her brain for a while now. She shut off the radio and started asking questions. We talked all the way to LA, including getting lost while looking for The Grove. When we got to Beverly Hills we took a break and had a celebrity watch (J was certain that anyone she saw with a big camera was paparazzi in disguise, "they try to look like normal people, but that camera is just way too nice."). We didn't find the Grove because my phone doesn't have good internet, but we made it to the Beverly Center for some pizza and shopping. Then we headed to our hotel, The Wilshire Hotel, which was a couple miles from downtown. Once we got into the hotel, we didn't leave until the next morning (and we got there around 3). We alternated discussions and TV/Movies. Our second discussion was about money. I wanted to be sure that she understood the importance of being wise with what she has, tithing, saving, etc. From the money discussion we have 2 Tasks for Womanhood - she'll begin keeping a budget with the money she earns and gets for allowance and she will tithe 10% and save 45%; the second is that for one month, she will be in charge of our household's grocery/fun money and will decide how to spend it (with guidance of course).
Our 3rd discussion was on how we treat other people and "consider others better than ourselves." From this area, she will find a charity she wants to support, and run/walk a 5K without complaining. She will also host a dinner party for friends, considering their needs over her own.
In the middle of these discussions, we ordered room service, which is J's favorite thing for some reason. I don't know why she likes to eat mediocre food in a hotel room with no table, but she loves it - she had steak, I had sliders, and we shared some chocolate cake.
When we woke up Sunday morning, we had our discussion about spiritual matters. We talked about turning things over to God when she has troubles and learning to depend on him more. We read through a couple Psalms, including one in which David asks God to "break the teeth" of his enemies. We then got to discuss how we can be honest and real with God. I left her alone for a while then and told her to talk to God about her dad. She had some honest time with him, some crying, and some asking God to slap her dad around. Then her tasks were to have devotions at least 3 times a week, and memorize some key verses over the next year.
Our final discussion before we left the hotel, was over Proverbs 31. We went through and saw what God desires a woman to be - hard working, creative, loving and faithful, learning, etc. So we worked together to come up with the final six tasks - keep her grades at a B- or above, enter her art in an art contest, begin learning French, take a babysitting class, decorate a room in the house on a budget, and volunteer for the humane society. Then, if she does all of the tasks, we'll have a big celebration at the end of the year. My friend's husband is taking her son to climb a huge mountain - literally, I'm not sure what ours will be but it needs to be something related to being a woman, so I'll have to keep brainstorming.
After that last discussion, we found The Grove (a shopping center near Beverly Hills), we ate at Subway (she's a simple girl, with simple tastes), walked around the Staples Center while Comikaze was happening at the convention center - we saw Snake Eyes from GI Joe, Alice and her friends from wonderland, a couple fairies, an elf, and a bunch of other really awesome outfits. We ended in the garment district, which reminds me a lot of Tijuana. We were going to go to Griffith Park, too, but J was reading a new Calvin and Hobbes book she got at the Barnes and Noble at The Grove and she got sick, so we headed home during a lightning storm. It was an amazing weekend and I look forward to seeing what happens in the months to come.

Baking Season

For the last couple weeks, I've been baking like crazy. Between the birthday, my small group, and Halloween (with some little snacks thrown in for no reason at all), I've used up a lot of flour, sugar, and other baking ingredients. A side effect to the baking - dishes. Each of the things I've baked has been a brand new recipe for me. I've been enjoying trying out new recipes over the past several months. I get bored when we have the same dish over and over again, so I bought a recipe book and J and I went through it together - choosing the recipes we thought looked good. When that was done, I went through my recipe files, which has been filled with things I thought about making at one point but never got around to. So I've made a lot of dishes from that file, some good, some recycle-worthy. I also have a recipe blog I subscribe to and a lot of recipes that I starred and saved for later on my Google Reader. So now I'm going through that as well. I find cooking fun when it's an experiment. And its even more fun when I try it out on other people.
J's Birthday - Chocolate Cake with Mint frosting (very, very, very sweet, but tasty in small batches)
Small Group - Spinach dip (I salvaged the disappointing recipe by adding my own ingredients) and Gingerbread Scones (goooood)
Tonight - Pumpkin Muffins That Taste Like Donuts for the Halloween party (we'll see if I bring any home tonight)

Those who can't do, teach

I realize that I am a professor of communication - when my counselor asked what I did for a living, she laughed, and with good reason. I am not the best conversationalist. Now, this doesn't mean I don't know how to communicate effectively. I know what to do and what not to do, but I'm just not a big talker. I can go very, very long periods of time without saying anything. I'm comfortable with silence. When people ask me questions about my life, I'm very free with that information. I have no trouble opening up at that point and honestly sharing what's happening. What I have trouble with, is offering that information before being asked. I don't necessarily believe people will be interested or have the energy to hear what I have to say. And I don't see relevance in discussing things that happened in the past. So this is something that needs to change. Communication is not just knowing how to say things appropriately, but also being willing to put yourself out there - be vulnerable for a bit while you share your life with people. I've been rejected in that area before. I've been ignored, cut off, and made fun of at various times in my life. Today I went on a 45 minute walk with my husband and I purposely used it as a time to get past all that. To share my hopes and dreams, my past experiences, and my present life with him. This is something I didn't do a lot of before. We talked mostly about the day to day life, but when we don't talk about the past and the future, we can't really know each other. So I'm taking some steps in that direction, and I wasn't rejected or made fun of or ignored. He was interested, he had thoughts to add, we had a great conversation. I may have my PhD, but I'm still learning.

Baby Steps

We started couples counseling today. We have already taken a 4-week class in communication which was somewhat helpful, but didn't really get to the root of our issues. Today we started digging in to the root. It seemed productive on one hand - we brought up issues and talked about them. On the other hand, it's clear that there are still issues that are hidden and unaddressed. Since we're living apart, we aren't faced with the day-to-day part of living together and that's where the real test will be. So, the question is, when do I risk living together again. If it was just me, it would be one thing. I've got someone else to think about, though, and she is VERY resistant to changing our current situation. I'm praying through my days, though, and trusting that God will make things clear to me at some point in the future. At this point, it's clear as mud.

Happy October

The leaves are changing, the weather is cooling, there's a hint of frost in the air... at least that's what I understand from people in other parts of the country. Still shorts and tank tops here, although there's a suggestion of cooler, rainier weather to come. For our home, October means BIRTHDAY MONTH!!!! And this year J is turning 13 so it means BECOMING A WOMAN ON MY BIRTHDAY MONTH or something similar to that. I think we've finally nailed down our birthday celebration location (J was given the option of choosing anyplace within driving distance to visit). She decided that she just wants to go to LA and take in the city. Since this means a considerably shorter drive than other places we might go, I'm going to surprise her by either going to the Millenium Biltmore Hotel or the Omni Los Angeles Hotel both of which of swanky and over-the-top. I still haven't figured out her 12 tests of womanhood, but have gotten 7 figured out. She is to host a dinner party, learn a language (to some extent), go on a 5K for a charity of her choice, learn to keep her finances in check, enter some of her art in an art contest, take a child care/babysitting class, and memorize some key scripture passages. If I get inspired in the next couple weeks, I'll add more, or I'll just have her help me come up with the last 5.

She has been doing amazingly well in the past couple months. She loves being in junior high (crazy, right?) and she's been more social than I can remember her being since we moved to Cali. She went to a school dance, has had friends over, she joined the color guard team. She still is not too excited about going to counseling, but she sought out her school counselor on her own (the counselor told her that the type of help J needs is not the thing she does). We haven't had any tears or break downs for a while and MY counselor says it sounds like J is doing well and has some great boundaries. As long as J and I are able to communicate with each other, things should continue to go along positively. It's a huge relief to me that my girl is okay and that she might have learned some good lessons for the boys/men she has in her life in the future. Thank you for your prayers for her, they have really been answered.

Sisters

In June, all the members of my immediate family went on vacation on Orcas Island in the San Juans, but unfortunately J and I were not able to join them, so I was very excited that the Oregon family rented a house in Sisters, OR while I was there for a little time away. It was great to share meals,

Outdoor activities,

a fun trip to the High Desert Museum

 

And a lovely hike.

August

So it turns out that when one is dealing with difficult issues, time with friends and family is just what the doctor ordered, so thank you friends and thank you family for your support and love the last 3 weeks.
We just got back from our mega-lovely time. We enjoyed some exploring, some reminiscing, and some relaxing.
One of the highlights was more time spent with my gorgeous nephew.

And during the time, Jordan almost single-handedly completed a quilt (with some instruction and support from my mom and dad sister (what a funny typo!).

We are both home renewed and refreshed.

Refreshment

J hadn't been sleeping well for the past couple weeks, but only 2 nights with family up north and she has had 12 hours of sleep each night!
Tomorrow I'm heading out for a long weekend with some friends from college. Can't wait to be refreshed, too!

The Carpenter

When I was younger - probably around 1st and 2nd grade - we lived in a tiny little house in the middle of a big forest. The owners of the house came out periodically and worked on the land and the house and I followed them around whenever they came. I knew that my life's dream was to be a carpenter. I wanted to be able to build and fix things like they did. Now, 30 years later, I clearly was not cut out for the life of a carpenter. Whenever I try to put things together from Ikea, I end up with things like my pathetic white cabinet which looks okay, but falls apart any time you try to move it. I still like to fix things, though. And I don't want any help in my fixing thank you very much. I just want to make everything work better on my own. My counselor is having me read the book Captivating. One thing that the authors pointed out is the desire a woman has to fix things and make them better and our tendency to leave God out of the equation. In part, this is what I've been trying to do in my relationship. I had a whole little plan in my head to make sure my husband didn't forget about me and continued to want me. I was sure that it would work to make him want to work with me on the marriage. The problem was that I kinda kept God out of that plan. Not that I wasn't praying and seeking guidance along the way, but I was kind of ignoring some of it because I was sure my plan is better. So I scrapped the plan this week and at first I was sure it was a failure. I didn't hear anything from him for almost a week unless it was business related. And then I did, and he told me he'd do counseling after his final court date with his ex-wife. This doesn't mean that I'm holding my breath that this will really happen, but I have an actual date and it happened when I gave up my attempts to fix things. I'm letting the pathetic white cabinet go and am holding out for something a lot more solid and durable.

My Girl

This past week and a half has been pretty difficult in our house. I received notice that J will not be going to see her dad this summer. Since this is the 3rd time she had been planning to come and then been told she wasn't, it was devastating for her. My girl is angry and hurt and confused about what is happening. Since she is 12 now she is much more aware and less easy to distract from the pain. She doesn't understand why her father doesn't want to fight for her and sacrifice for her. And this comes after her other father figure did not meet her needs and hurt her heart. A girl gets her pattern for the men in her life from her father, so what is my girl going to do when that time comes? My girl is also a very independent, introverted person. She has some friends but doesn't actively seek out social time with them. If people aren't doing exactly what she wants, she's not interested in hanging out with them. My girl could probably use some counseling, but she hates the idea of sharing her thoughts with a stranger. She even shuts down when I try to talk to her and it takes some work to get her to share what she's feeling or to let me try to comfort her.

So all of this means that my responsibility for my girl is huge. I am her mother and all that entails. I am her father figure and totally ill equipped for that job. I am her social life and social secretary if she's going to do anything without me. I am her counselor and adviser without any of the training that comes with that. Please pray for my girl and pray for me. She's so wonderful and has so much potential but her life has not been easy.

Hollywood!

If you couldn't tell, I've decided to be more visual with my posts. I've also decided that I would include some more of the fun things we're doing. Since J is done with school, I'm trying to make sure we get out of the house to do something fun at least once every day - since we are both very comfortable sitting around reading, watching TV, and being on the computer, this is a necessary step. So far, we've gotten to do a lot of great things. We have an annual pass for Six Flags and the adjacent water park, so we've gone there. We've gone to the park or the mall or the movies. We've played softball, gone on hikes, and played at the beach. Last week we got to do something J has been wanting to do for a very long time.

 I remember going when I was around her age and just being disappointed at the squalor of the town, but she was fascinated and loved every minute of it.
 

She took pictures of the stars of everybody she recognized. And even some she didn't - for some reason Ozzy Osbourne's star is on our camera.

 Of course we went to Grauman's Chinese theater to look at the footprints and handprints. She wasn't as fascinated with those, but the nearby mall was definitely a highlight - she has decided we're going to come and see a movie at the theater there. We also had to stop for some refreshment - I got a cupcake at Sprinkle's (one of the first cupcake shops in the U.S.)

 And she got some fudge before we headed for our next destination - Huntington Beach and a campfire with friends from church.

It was a fabulous day.

6th Grade Promotion

On June 3rd, J was promoted from elementary school - which means that I am now the parent of a junior higher. Her promotion was very nice - one of the mothers loves doing balloon displays and her daughter was promoted, so guess what the decorations were! It was very interesting to see the different outfits the kids wore - they definitely didn't look like they belonged in elementary school anymore. J looked gorgeous, of course, and was very proud and excited to move on the the next chapter in her life.

 I think we're ready for the next chapter of our education.

Camping

Over Memorial Day weekend, J and I went camping with a bunch of people from our church. This is the 4th time we've gone - either Memorial Day or Labor Day. We go to a rustic campground in the mountains (pit toilets only, no showers) and spend the day hanging out, hiking, playing the freezing mountain water, making S'mores (we used the gigantic marshmallows this time which are much more fun). We chat, play with fire, play games, get dirty, and try to stay warm. We planned to stay from Friday night to Monday afternoon, but Sunday got just a little too cold for us. The sun was out, but we were in our ski jackets, standing a few feet from the fire, and still feeling a bit chilly. So we came home early. It was a great weekend, though.

 It's amazing how gourmet the meals can get in the mountains. We tend to just bring basics that we can toast over the campfire or eat cold, but other people have whole kitchen setups they bring (we often "borrow" their gear and eat their leftover food, yummy!)

Michigan

A couple weeks ago, we had the chance to go to Michigan to celebrate the life of my grandma and to spend time with family we haven't seen in almost four years. It was an amazing time. We got to spend some time in Holland, MI right after the Tulip Festival, so the gorgeous tulips (one of my favorite flowers) were in abundance.

My grandmother's funeral was beautiful and touching. It's so great knowing that each one of my grandparents were so loved and appreciated for who they were. They each made a difference in the lives of the people around them, and those are pretty big shoes to fill.

Tapped Out

I've run out of words to write again. And I think it's because I don't have anything figured out in my life right now so have no insights to impart. Of course, I can tell you I've been much better at exercising lately. I can tell you my finances have not changed. I can tell you that the computer issues are still issues.
I can talk about going to Six Flags this weekend - fun but nothing earth shaking. I can tell you about my grandma's funeral last week - a great time, but not really something to blog about. I could discuss the new class I started teaching a week and a half ago (yawn).
I can also tell you that my relationship is still in a kind of limbo - we've had conversations, we've discussed possibilities, we've reached a kind of an impasse - he wants sacrifices from me that I don't think I can make. So nothing concrete has been figured out. On the plus side, I start my counseling on Wednesday. Maybe then I'll have something more concrete to say. For now, all I can say is that I have nothing really to say.

Grandma

My grandma passed away early this morning. Her new body is strong and healthy, her new mind is clear and unbreakable, her new home is even more wonderful than her old home. Missing her warm spirit, but looking forward to celebrating her life with my Michigan family.

The Good Times are Rolling!

Well, not yet actually, but my grades are due in 3 days13 hours and 39 minutes, so at that point I will be done with the craziness of teaching 5 courses and be down to only 1. And that one course meets for one night a week for a couple hours, so really I'm ready to live the dream that is my life in the summer. I've been enjoying having my time to schedule as I'd like and, believe it or not, I have been very productive with that time. I came up with 6 different tasks that need to be done everyday - including working out (check!), working on classes - present and future, and working on my writing. I used to try to give myself a schedule - write from 8:30-10:30, exercise from 10:30-11:30... and that never worked out. I don't do very well with that strict of a schedule because sometimes I really get into writing and want to continue past the end time and then the rest of the day is messed up and I spend more time trying to revamp it. So now, as long as I do something related to my task, I can check it off the list and really, is there anything better than checking off lists? I'm sure I'm not the only person out there who enjoys making lists only for the moment when you get to cross off the thing you were supposed to do. It's a pretty amazing feeling. Anyway, since I've been working from my task list (a total of 2 days!) I have been extremely productive and have checked off 5/6 things from the list each day.
In addition to ordering my schedule, I've been working on ordering the rest of my life. I keep meeting and talking with amazing people who all give me great things to think on. The last conversation I had was a little more challenging to me, but is resulting in another schedule change - I'm adding some counseling sessions to my routine. I'm not altogether certain about it - I like to be in charge of my own life after all - but was recommended a good, licensed counselor through my school so I'm going to go and work through some issues.
That's all.

Beauty from Ashes

In the last couple weeks, my husband and I have been communicating on a regular basis. We're talking about business related things - bills to pay, mail to pick up, etc. - but we're also talking about our lives and our feelings. It almost feels like we're dating again, but without the dates. One day when I came back from helping him fix his computer, J was especially angry with everything I said and did. When she said she was sorry (for the 4th or 5th time) she also said she didn't know why she was so upset. I said that I did know - she was upset that I was spending time with him again. She agreed and then said she didn't see how I could forgive him. What a great opportunity to talk about forgiveness. God told us to forgive continually, without end, and even when others do not deserve it. He did this for our benefit, not the benefit of the people who hurt us. That does not mean that we give people free rein to continue to hurt and abuse us however they want to, but it means we let it go. We let go of the need to get back whatever we lost. She told me she didn't want to forgive him, but the next day she came to me and said, "I've forgiven him, mom." It almost made me cry. I know how hard it is to forgive someone when they hurt you, but I also know how much less pain there is once you've done it.
Now I don't know if I'll be able to go back to living with my husband again. I've told him that we need to get counseling together before that happens and he hasn't said anything about it since. I do know, however, that the past year of my life was not a wasted year. I know that God has a plan that we don't always (or often, or ever) see. I also know that the plan He has for us isn't often a nice, warm, comfortable plan. It doesn't usually involve satin sheets and beauty spas (although they are nice bonuses every once in a while). The people of faith in the Bible lived very hard, unsafe lives. They suffered. My pastor from PA once said - and I've remembered it ever since - that Christians often pray something that has no bearing from Scripture. We ask God to keep us safe - safe in our journeys, in our days, in our sleep. But really we should be praying that God keeps us dangerous, because only in our discomfort and insecurity is His glory and plan evident. I have a lot of hope that the pain and discomfort of the past year was not just a footnote of my life which I have to spend the rest of my life getting over. I have hope that this past year has been spent for the purpose of redeeming the life of a lost lamb to his Shepherd. I have hope that if I seek what God wants me to do and keep moving forward with His goals in mind, His work will be done in my husband's life.

Becoming a Woman

So I've been thinking through what tasks I'll have J perform next year as she becomes a woman :)
I've only come up with a few, but thought I'd post them to see if there's any feedback out there in virtual land...
The first one - which I think will be fun, too - is to host a dinner party for her friends. She'd be responsible for choosing the menu and decorations, shopping for them, sending out invitations, cooking and baking... We'd spend several weeks before talking it all over, looking at magazines and websites for ideas, and discussing the importance of hospitality.
The next would be to come on a mission trip with me. That would be a longer term project involving training, fund raising, and going.
I thought it would be fun to include some language learning, not sure what the culmination of that would be - what would the actual "event" be in which she could show the language skills?
I wanted to include some physical activity, so I thought an AIDS walk or another 5K would work - I would walk with her. I also thought of try-outs for junior high sports since she's very interested in volleyball, but not sure if that would be the best. If she doesn't make the team, is that a failure? I'm still thinking that part through.
The last one I've thought about is for her to maintain a budget for a month - I would provide her with a "paycheck" at the beginning of the month and she'd have to pay rent, pay for food or buy her own, etc.
Thanks for the feedback you've given so far and I'd love any more suggestions, I need 7 more tasks if we're going to make it an even 12.

J's Performance

Since I finally got some pictures downloaded, I decided to show them all today. I tried to upload the video, but it didn't work, so I'll try another time.Their objective was to write a story that they told 3 times to 3 different audience. Their story was about a boy who finds a magic lamp with a genie, makes some bad wishes, and then learned his lesson. The 3 audiences were teenagers, the deaf, and sea creatures. Jordan was a dragon and was mortified with her costume and makeup - and more mortified that I took pictures of her that will last forever! They won the competition with this performance they wrote, designed the set, and practiced extensively.

The new place

Things I love about my new place:
1. smaller community = better parking
2. two decks!
3. granite counter tops in kitchen and bathrooms
4. great location
5. great price

Things I don't love:
1. the downstairs neighbor doesn't pick up after their dogs so the stench of their porch comes through to our living room if we leave the slider open
2. the pipes are very loud - especially in the middle of the night
3. all carpeting except the kitchen and bathrooms

 This is Jordan's room and her nice new bedding!

 You can see down the hall to my room and the 2nd deck is through the blinds.

 Our dining room and kitchen, right off the LR.

 My bedroom with 2 closets and a sink with a separate toilet/bath room.

The living room with the stinky deck, and our very sweet smelling puppy.

It's overall a good fit for J & I and I'm so grateful we found it.

Training Up a Child

J turns 13 this year, and I've decided we're going to make this a celebration of womanhood. We're currently going through the book Becoming a Young Woman of God by Jen Rawson which is a great conversation starter - it's meant as a youth group text, but I'm adapting it for the 2 of us. For J's birthday weekend in October, we're going to head to a hotel for a weekend to hang out, have fun, and have lots of deep talks. I got this idea from a couple of places. Firstly (don't judge) I was watching the Tyra Banks show and she told about her mom doing the same thing. While living in PA, I mentioned it to one of my friends, and she said she had done a similar thing with her daughter, only in her case it was listening to a book on CD while driving to New York. I think we'll do a more one-on-one-conversation approach, although J wants to go to Vegas so it would be a long enough drive to listen to some interesting stuff. So I'm planning to talk about what it means to be a woman and get into some more specifics about men and boys. We've had conversations about sex since she was pretty young - increasing the detail as she increased in age and maturity - but we're going to get a bit more graphic this time. Since 13 year old girls are getting pregnant every day and junior highers are engaging in oral sex on buses I want to make sure I'm the one that gives her all the real info instead of getting it from friends. If any of you know of some good resources for preparing myself for these kinds of conversations, I'd love to look into them. My knowledge of how men think is fairly limited, seeing as I'm a woman, and have never been in a romantic relationship for longer than a year and a half.
The other thing I'm considering was inspired by some people I met in Africa last year. They have 4 boys and their oldest is 14. On his birthday, they challenged him with the 12 tasks of manhood based on tribal customs (they live in Africa after all). Throughout the year, he'll be engaging in 12 activities that are meant to grow him physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. So far this year he has run in a 5K, worked toward learning the local language, done some manual labor (involving seafood - I'll let you fill in the blanks), and spent 2 nights in a local village to learn more of the culture. The year will culminate in a mountain climb at the end of the year with his dad. I really, really, really love this idea for many reasons. First I love that they are not babying him in any way. The things they are having him to do are things that some grown men would find challenging. I also love that it is a tangible way to celebrate his movement from boy to man and he will never forget it for the rest of his life. I can imagine that when he turns 15 he will truly feel as if he is a man of God. So I'm trying to think through whether this is the right time to do this with J - is she ready for this kind of challenge (and am I ready for her to grow up)? The other challenge is what tasks would I give to her? I'm thinking of things relating to a Proverbs 31 woman - there's a nice list on http://www.thercg.org/youth/articles/0302-vwalp.html. I'm also thinking that this might be appropriate if she goes on a mission trip with me next summer - becoming more mature is pretty important. I'd love some feedback or comments on this, and I'll probably post on this topic again - asking for more feedback as I focus on what I want to do.

And the hits, they just keep comin'

Well, it's a new week and a whole new set of challenges. I was starting to look a little more optimistically toward to future - the hubs got some money to pay off one of the loans I took out for him so I could pay it off. I no longer need to purchase anything for the new place so I can pay off the (over-extended) credit cards. Our shopping budget is down by half and the income has increased for the next 3 months and then a raise a month after that. Things looking good. A little too good... Yesterday I was heading to pick up J from school and as I left my school my radio turned off unexpectedly. Now, I've owned a lot of old cars and this has definitely happened to me before so I knew what it was, while hoping I was wrong. Thankfully, I was passing a mechanic as it starting failing electrically. So I pulled a U-turn and drove in. Dropped it off and asked them to take a look as I walked back to the school. Called Jordan and told her to take the bus home (as it drops her off a long way from our new place, she found a lady from our church to drive her home instead). An hour and a half later I received confirmation - the alternator went out. From my experience, a busted alternator is just the beginning of the end in car terms. My car is a decade old and has treated me really good so far, but there's no way I'm going to trust it to take the long drive to Oregon this summer, so I got it fixed so I am mobile again today, but I'm going to have to evaluate the finances and see how I can afford a good, reliable vehicle to last for a while. I still haven't gotten my first bill from all the utilities, etc. to see what my current budget needs to be, so we'll have to see what can be done. Bottom line is that the 1/3 deduction in debt is looking more like an increase in debt. Not the direction I was hoping to move.
Oh, and I haven't exercised at all and I am behind in grading, too.
On a more positive note, I slept better last night than I have in a long time and I'm emotionally feeling much better, too. I've had some more positive conversations with the hubs and so it looks like we're leaving this not hating each other and trying to hurt each other any more. So that's where we are.

Something's Missing

I'm missing something. The problem is, I can't admit I'm missing it. I can't, because I'm not supposed to be missing it. I'm supposed to much better off where I am. I'm supposed to be happy that things are calmer. I'm supposed to be a strong woman who doesn't need anyone else to make me satisfied. I'm not supposed to be checking my phone every hour to see if I've missed a text or a call. I'm supposed to be relieved that there is no more verbal abuse, no more angry silences, no more controlling behavior. Weak women go back to their abusers, and forgive the unforgivable and I'm not a weak woman. I'm a strong woman. I deserve better than that. I deserve someone who loves me "just as I am." I shouldn't be willing to get whatever I'm given, I should demand to get all that I deserve. So I can't admit that I want something. I can't admit that I consider getting it back, going back. I have to pretend that I'm better. I have to pretend that I'm where I want to be and doing what I want to do. And I'm getting good at pretending. I pretended all day on Sunday. I pretend while I continue to check my phone. And when the TV, or the books, or the work, or the traveling around/busyness doesn't drown out those traitorous thoughts, I have to tell myself again what I should be doing/thinking/saying/feeling. So I can pretend I'm not missing something.

Happy Anniversary - let's move on

So, I made it through the anniversary - tear-free too, I might add - and now I'm ready to get back to thinking through improving myself. I still can't get the budget on track until I get the first couple bills, but it looks promising - with my extra classes and my raise in September I should be doing well.
Exercising needs to become more of a priority, but I need to figure out how to get it done. I discovered there is a workout room - its a very sad little place though, 2 treadmills and a elliptical that doesn't work, no TV. I don't think I have the fortitude to stick it out in there. I have a gym across the street, but spending money on a membership would hurt the budget. I have the Wii still and my bike. Now I need to get myself on some kind of schedule to get the workouts happening. It's more complicated now because J is technically not in the same school district so I have to drive her to and from school for the rest of the year. Since I'm out anyway, I tend to go to school and work (or avoid work in my office) instead of coming back home and exercising. School ends in 3 1/2 weeks, I will be able to get it done then, just need to come up with something in the meantime. On a better note, the last time I weighed myself, I passed a significant milestone. 1 1/2 years ago I was in the 160's (not good!) In the past year I've lost almost 20 pounds and I'm now in the 140's!!!! If I continue my better eating habits - not snacking at night - I should be able to keep myself much more fit.
As for the internet issue, I've pretty much conquered that, and replaced my websites with solitaire games. I'm fairly pathetic. Now that the semester is coming to a close, I have A LOT of grading to do, and I manage to do a little grading every day, but a little isn't going to cut it. This week J is going to her cousins for a couple days, so my goal is to complete the grading of everything that has been turned in to date. That's a huge goal. It will require dedication and commitment. It will require blood, sweat, and tears. I wish I could grade without the computer, but pretty much everything is submitted online, so that's not going to happen. I will do it. I WILL do it. I will DO IT!!!!

A Fairly Painful Day

Don't read this post. No really, I fully expect that you will choose not to read my rants and just move on to another less painful posting from someone else. And it's totally fine because I will never know you didn't read this. I was feeling a need to post and didn't want to just use this blog as a place to whine and complain until I realized that nobody is forcing anybody to read this blog at all. And after a short time, hopefully, the pain will diminish and the posts will get much lighter and fluffier. At least that's the hope.
Today was a very painful day. I decided to leave my husband 2 weeks and 1 day ago. I knew that the lying, cheating, manipulating, controlling, and abusive language was never going to end and it was hurting me and worse than that, it was hurting my 12-year-old daughter. I don't need her to have to deal with the pain. While it is a relief to be in a calmer home with less pain and pressure, it's still really hard. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in a really long time and I haven't been able to work consistently since I moved. Last Monday, he asked me if I had gotten the paperwork to sign to end the marriage. I said I hadn't. Today he texted to tell me the paperwork was ready to sign. Now I know that life is not a fairy tale. I know that movies aren't real. But it hurts that the one man I finally decided to marry after 35 years of life will not fight to make something work. It hurts that he has already moved on to another woman. It hurts that he wouldn't go out of his way to do much during our marriage, but he rushed around to get the divorce papers like it was the most urgent thing ever. Then today he sent me a cute little text that was meant for his ex wife/new girlfriend. When I responded that he'd written the wrong person, he told me he was messing with me. First of all, that's a total lie. Second of all, would it be better if he really meant it as a joke? I really, really hope that today's the last day I sit and cry over this.
My wedding anniversary would be this coming Sunday. I didn't even make it to the first. I'm like Brittney Spears or Jennifer Lopez. I'll probably cry on that day, too. But maybe that will be the end. Cuz I know I did absolutely everything I could to salvage this marriage. I did everything I could to work with him. I changed as much as I could while being faithful to the things that are most important. I read books and sought spiritual counsel. I worked through whatever issues I could on my own and talked to him about things we needed to work through together. And I listened to his promises and his apologies. And I forgave and believed in him. And then I just couldn't any more. I had no more things to change. I had no more books to read. My spiritual counsel told me I had to leave. And yet I really, really wanted him to try to keep me. I really wanted him to beg for me to come back. I wanted him to fight for me. I wanted him to keep all his promises. As I walked out of his apartment today, with the papers all signed, I saw him for the last time. I never have to see him again. All future correspondence can be by mail. It's all done. Goodbye Dr. C. Hello Dr. B.

The End

He wants to sign the papers today, so I guess this is the end. Feeling a little melancholy.

Revamping

So now that things have changed significantly, I have to rethink my earlier resolutions as they now have different requirements. Exercising is going to be difficult because I no longer have a gym to go to. The condo community we're in has a pool and a volleyball court, but no gym. I could sign up for the gym across the street, but that would hurt resolution #2. I might have to start working out with the Wii again. It's not my favorite way to exercise, but it's available in my home and its free as long as I don't buy new games. A couple of the ones I have right now gave me an OK workout, so I'll have to try them again. As for the past week, I totally ruled in the exercise category - I moved a whole apartment worth of stuff (with some help, it's true) and so I will take credit for fully incorporating the exercise. As for this week, I played Wii with J yesterday, but it was only golf and tennis so my right arm got some work, but the rest of me just stood there.
For resolution #2, I have to figure out what my new budget is going to be. I have an idea right now, but need to get the first bills to make sure I'm right. I've already decreased my weekly shopping bill by almost 1/3 and there are some things we had that I will no longer be paying for. But we still will have higher payments than we did before. For my week last week, it was a gigantic fail, but that was because I had to buy items for the home that we left behind - he wasn't in a sharing mood when we left and did not give me everything he had promised. We are set at this point, however, and so I should be able to figure out the new budget by the end of April. In the meantime, I will shop judiciously and hope for the best.
My 3rd resolution shouldn't change much - the internet is just as tempting in the condo as it was in the apartment. I definitely used it as an escape last week. And I resolve to continue the work. I've been having trouble concentrating on grading and lesson planning though. So even when I'm not playing, I'm not working. I have A LOT of grading to do since its nearing the end of the semester and I added the extra course. Get to work Dr. C!!!

Moving Masters

So after deciding to leave on Sunday I was a little nervous about finding a new place in a good amount of time, keeping J in her school, getting things moved out, etc. My city has a lot of nice areas but those nicer areas do not have a lot of choices for rent and keeping it cheap can be difficult. When we lived alone before we paid $1400/month just for the rent which is pretty ridiculous. So I started looking for something cheaper and determined that I could either get a two bedroom apartment in a shady area (looking at the crime maps I found 5 sex offenders and 10 violent crimes in a week within a 10 block radius of the apartment) or I could get a one bedroom apartment in a nice area. I had settled on staying in the same apartment complex I currently lived in and just getting a one-bedroom to share with J - turns out the square footage was almost the same as many two bedrooms - and I was planning to go in and sign papers on Wednesday. When I talked to my pastor's wife on Tuesday about this, she had some reservations about me staying in the same complex. Some distance was needed. I mentioned to my small group on Tuesday that I was moving and on the way home, one of the women mentioned a condo she had looked at previously that week that was two bedrooms and two blocks away from where we were living. So, I called to look at the condo Wednesday morning. I went in at 10 and spent about 15 minutes looking at it - it was pretty nice, great area, nice condo community, quiet, etc. and asked her when I could move in - that day, the next? She called the condo owner and they had me fax my application to them. I got it to them at 12:30. At 4:00 I got an email that I was accepted for move in as soon as I wanted. I called my pastor and he said he's get some guys to help move. At 8:30 AM on Thursday a group of 7-8 guys were in my apartment loading stuff up. At 9:20 I got the keys and signed the lease. By 11:30 AM, the storage unity was empty and everything was in my place that needed to be there. At 6:00, a guy came by with a brand new bed frame (I only have a mattress) and set it up for me. And at 10:30 PM last night, every box - except the 7 that are in J's tornado of a room - was unpacked and everything in its place.
I am so thankful for the support system I have in this city. It's hard living far away from my family (my closest family lives 1 1/2 hours from me and the rest live 16 hours away) when things like this happen, but as soon as I told two people at church about the issue, they started praying. As soon as I said I was moving, people stepped up with help. I sometimes feel cut off because I'm not the most social person. I don't like hanging out with large groups of people and I don't like having to ask for help. I tend to just try to do things for myself and that has served me pretty well. I'm able to live independently and take care of what needs taking care of. But there are times when I just can't manage on my own. I need a shoulder to cry on sometimes. I need a helping hand to get things done sometimes. I need a place to hang out sometimes. I need someone to tell me they love me and they'll be praying for me sometimes. These past 5 days I've had all of the above and I don't know how I would have made it through without them.
But mostly I'm thankful to God for working out the timing of everything. It's Spring Break this week so I had some time and space the melt down. My small group friend had just looked at this condo and the very time I needed a suggestion of a place to rent. The guys from my church had time, or took the time, to come and move me in the morning of a working day - none of them were college students with Spring Break. I had people to hang out with on Tuesday and Wednesday night so I could get out of the house and avoid the venom that was dripping from the mouth of my spouse. He clearly took care of me this week and I know He will continue to do so as I adjust to all this in the coming days/weeks/months/years.
And I'm thankful to all of you reading this blog with me. I know many of you have been praying for me, too. I know you have, because I've felt the blessings that came from that. And now I'm going to stop with this because I've cried way too often over the past year and I would like to avoid making a scene in the coffee shop today. I love you all and, even though I can't give you a real-life hug right now, I am sending cyberhugs and kisses (since it's virtual, I can be more fake touchy-feely than I would be in real life) your way.
OK, to end on a lighter note - J asked me if I was going to look for someone else to date. When I told her I wasn't going to, she expressed concern that I would be lonely when she left me. I told her I would be fine - meaning to tell her that I would have my job and my friends to keep me company. She then proceeded to tell me, "Yeah, you'll have your cats to keep you company." Punk!

A Brief Vent

Today, I got to overhear him asking his ex-wife out for a lunch date. I HAVE to get out of here NOW!

The Power of the Written Word

Last summer I was in Africa with my school. I was newly married, lonely, missing home, struggling to minister to my students and to the people we met there. While in a foreign country on a trip like this, it is very common for people to journal their thoughts and experiences - for posterity, or to help them process what they're going through. Because of this, for the past 2 years on these trips, my co-leader and I have handed out journals to our students and given them chances - and sometimes assignments - to write. This summer, however, I found myself unable to write. I don't really know why to this day. Maybe because I was too emotional to write. Maybe I ran out of words to say after writing my dissertation. I don't know. I never was hugely into journaling. I process ideas better when they are said out loud than when they are written (maybe that's why I study Communication rather than English). But there have been times in my life that writing something down has been very helpful. Instead of helping me process something (which I do orally), it helps make something permanent in my mind. Once its written down, it is finished. Seeing it in black and white makes it concrete in a way that speaking it does not. Does this make any sense? So at the beginning of this year when I started blogging again, I wasn't sure how it would go. I wasn't sure I'd find the words, but since my purpose was not to discover something, but to make the things I had already processed real, it seemed to work for me.
So now I'm going to write something down and make it real. I'm going to put it down in black and white so maybe I can accept it and begin to move on. I really, really don't want to though. I want to avoid making the words real in a way that they can't be taken back, you know? I want to keep the fake smile on my face, laugh through the big problems and pretend they're little and normal. But I think we're past that now. I think reality needs to set in.
Last night, for probably the 10th time in our less than 1 year marriage, my husband told me he didn't want to be married to me. Now, he might come to me again and tell me he's sorry, like he's done in the past. He might say that he really didn't mean it and he doesn't want to lose me. He might even say he'll do counseling, just like he's said he'd do counseling before, but never did it. You see, he said it out loud, he didn't put it in writing. He thinks he can just press delete and all the issues will be gone. Don't dwell in the past, he tells me. But I think this time I'm going to have to put it in writing for him. I think this time I'm going to have to call the apartment complex to find availability, instead of just looking at it online. I think this time, I'm going to call the phone company and insurance company and separate our policies. I think this time, the words are permanent.

Hurricane Season

Last night, my small group met and the icebreaker of the day was to give your week's forecast (or postcast since it already happened?). My week was a hurricane. Last week I had two huge time gobblers vying for my attention. One was an organization Jordan is in called DI - destination imagination. In the organization, teams choose a challenge which they (the kids) have to do themselves. Jordan's group chose to write a story for 3 different audiences. They have to perform it and do props for it as well. They chose to do a story about a kid who finds a genie in a lamp. They chose to perform it for teenagers (and added attitude in the way they told it), the hearing impaired (and each learned their lines in sign language), and to underwater sea creatures (and used word bubbles). It was pretty creative and the props they built were cool, too. I'll post pictures when I get a minute. So the competition was last Saturday and we spent 3+ hours a day, every single day, for a week and a half getting them ready for the competition. I didn't make it to each of the practices, but at least half of them I was helping (we couldn't do anything to help them physically, but this group needs a lot of motivation). So I spent Saturday - pretty much the entire day - in Pasadena for the competition. Jordan's group won, fortunately (?) so her team goes on to the state competition in Sacramento next month.
The other time gobbler was a new course I'm teaching. It is all online and my school doesn't open up the online platform for the course until 10 days prior to the first day. Since I've never taught it before, that means 10 days of intense preparation (I had to video lectures too, ugh). So that was added to my workload. Add to that the fact that we're in midterms now - so grading and test prepping. Also add in that I have a family and a life (supposedly) and I was feeling a bit stressed. This week has been very busy, too, finishing up the grading and catching up on things I didn't do last week. Needless to say, spring break next week will be a huge relief. Because of my hectic life, I worked out one day last week and took no walks. I haven't worked out at all this week but have been taking the evening walks (and I weighed myself yesterday with very positive results!). I also spent way too much money last week - getting snacks for the kids, rushing to the store whenever we needed something instead of having a carefully planned list. I think I have enough groceries now to last through part of next week, though, so I'll make it up. Also I got a raise for next school year which will contribute to the paying of the loans. As for the internet playing, I've done some, but I had so much to get done, and I did get so much done, I can't make myself care. So that means my resolutions and goals have not been met for 2 weeks, and I will think more carefully about that when I have another moment to spare - in one day and 43 minutes from now.

Sometimes we're up, sometimes we're down

So this week was a mixed bag. I managed to exercise Monday and Friday AND I walked the dog a little extra EVERY DAY except Friday when it was raining, so I feel very good about that. I eliminated some more websites from my list of time wasters and the only ones that are left are quick and simple. I also managed to keep totally in my budget today. Sounds good, right? Well one major hiccup came on Friday. My man found out that he might lose his job. He works for a school district and, since he was the most recent person hired in his department, will be the first to be cut. The cut would probably come this summer if a new budget isn't passed. So, we're trying to find new ways to cut our budget for that potential rainy day. He's also put applications out for more secure companies to work for. We'll see how that all works out.
On a different note, I got the book Boundaries in Marriage and have read all but 1 1/2 chapters. It's been amazing in helping me change my perspective and set up important boundaries. And yesterday my man and I had our most productive disagreement ever. Progress!

My Grandma C

One of my first memories of life is sitting in the upstairs at my grandma and grandpa C's house, the house they owned since my mother was a toddler, going to the toy cupboard. The toy cupboards were in the alcove at the top of the stairs and were 4 doors set in the eaves of the house. My grandma had filled them with all kinds of delightful things for us kids to play with. When I went to grad school with J, we got to go back to grandma's house for holidays and over the summer, and grandma still had toys stocked away. They were relegated to a couple drawers set next to the original cupboards, but never failed to keep J entertained. I remember sitting in grandma's kitchen, looking out at the bird feeder she always kept stocked. I remember walking next door to a relative (Aunt Ruth?) and further down the street to Aunt Ginny's and, really early on, to Great Grandma Strong's house. My grandparents were the first to build a house on that street and family followed. Family was very, very important to them. When my family moved out west I was 4 years old. I remember sitting in the car with grandma and grandpa and talking on the CB radio to my parents, feeling very cool using trucker talk - 10-4 good buddy! And of course they would always come out to visit us and inevitably painted or wallpapered or did some sort of project around the house. My grandma was a very comforting presence to have around. And she was hilarious. She had that dry humor that gets me going. I'm so glad we had 4 years living nearby (well, a 9 hour drive away, but still near enough to visit several times a year) so that we could visit. I always knew we had a place to stay and feel welcomed anytime. And of course there would be a bag packed full of goodies to take with us when it was time to go home. I haven't had a chance to go back and visit my grandma since I left grad school. Things are much different now, though. Although I could still recite the address for you, my grandma's house has been sold to someone new. And if we went to visit her, she probably would not recognize J or I, the dementia that took hold of her mother has taken hold of her as well. The grandma that I remember is no longer there, and I miss that. So I just needed to say, I love you grandma. Thank you for all the love you've given to J and I, and I look forward to visiting your new home in heaven someday.

The Influences

Another thing that has become more clear to me over the past month and a half is that my bad habits are not just there because of bad choices I make. No man is an island and apparently no woman is either. I am surrounded by people who have their input in my life in ways that make good choices hard to make sometimes. I'm not saying they are asking me to do evil things. They're not telling me to fail in my resolutions. Mostly, they have my good interests at heart, but they still are causing some problems with my resolutions.
The first influence is on the money issue. While my real resolution is to pay off my loans, I can't do that if I'm spending too much money and not earning enough money. Unfortunately, both areas of my life have run into some outside influences in the past 1 1/2 months. One source of income has been put on pause since the end of December and while I'm working on getting it back, not having that money means I have little or no money left at the end of the month. Then there are the influences on my spending. My family has very particular tastes with food and supplies. VERY particular tastes. And meeting their needs (I would actually call them wants, but they would call them needs) means I spend more money than I would if I was just buying stuff on my own. I'm relatively cheap, they are not. This is an area I'm not sure I can work around gracefully. Thankfully, I have a chance to teach an extra course in March and April and hopefully one or two over the summer that will bring in some more income, so as long as I'm smart and don't waste that money, I should be able to continue on with my goal.
The other influence is on my working out. My husband doesn't like me to be gone from the home when he's here. It's nice to know he likes to be with me, but that means either I upset him and go to the gym or I find time to work out when he's not here. My daughter needs to be home at the end of a school day to get her homework and chores done. Sometimes those take all night and if I leave her alone they definitely take longer than they should. I could get up earlier in the morning (yeah right) but then I would either get up REALLY early, or not be here while she was getting ready and she'd never get to school on time. On Friday, I had a whole plan laid out to work out after my class (because I goofed off before class and didn't have time - I can't blame it all on other people) and then go get J. That plan became null and void when I got a call from the nurse's office at her school telling me she had been throwing up for 5 minutes after lunch.This week I'm going to try again to get the Monday and Friday workouts in, and maybe take a walk over the weekend. When summer comes (which is the beginning of May for me) I'll have more time available to myself and can schedule that in more easily, and my schedule and J's will change next semester (she'll be starting class at the middle school about an hour earlier than the elementary school and I'm teaching later in the day on Tues/Thurs) which should leave me more time as well. We'll see how that works out.
The third resolution, I have nobody to blame but myself. I'm a time waster and nobody causes me to do that but myself. A guest speaker at church today was talking about living life purposefully and one thing he talked about was the time wasters that we get engaged in - specifically those that include a computer or television screen. He was absolutely right of course, and so I made a commitment to get rid of 2 more sites that I look at regularly, one of which is particularly time gobbling. So that's where I am right now. Working on my own issues and trying to work around other people's issues. We'll see how it all ends up.

OK, OK, I get the point

I've been working with my pastor's wife through the past couple months discussing my marriage issues. In each discussion she brings up a book that she thinks will be helpful to help me understand how to do my part to make the marriage work better. One of the books is called Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. My pastor references it regularly in church and she said it would help me to set boundaries for myself and my husband. I thought about getting it but kept forgetting. Then today, I was looking at a friend's blog and he wrote a book review of the book. Another book is called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Several couple small groups in my church are going over that book and she suggested it might be helpful. I agreed and said I'd look into it, but just never got around to it. And then today I was looking at people's status updates on facebook and one of my friends wrote about something she learned from the book.
So, I took the hint and ordered both books from my school's library today. While my internet addiction is problematic in many ways, it can help a little bit, too. (Am I rationalizing too much?)

Conquering an Addiction

The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem and so I'll admit that I have an internet addiction problem. When I have to grade, or prep a class, or write and edit an article, the computer offers me a way to escape the drudgery and empty my mind for a little bit. The main issue with this addiction is that I absolutely have to use the internet for my job. While an alcoholic can avoid a bar and a smoker can stay away from cigarettes, my job requires me to encounter my addiction on a daily basis. Another issue is that the internet can actually be helpful. When I'm in the middle of a challenging or mind numbing task, taking a quick break can help me come back to my work refreshed and ready to go. Notice that I wrote "quick break." It's not always a "quick break." Sometimes it's a "rest of the work day break." Or a "just look at one more thing break." Thus the resolution that I look at each website only once a day. I have cheated on that resolution. There have been days when I wasted the entire day instead of being productive. But I'm making progress. In fact, I actually eliminated a website from my list of daily things to check. And I'm getting better at only checking on the different sites when I'm needing a break from work - work first, then play. I have not conquered this addiction by any means. Play is still a lot more fun than work. But I'm getting better. And now that I've written this, I have some work to get back to...

The Elusive Runner's High

I've heard tales of this phenomenon known as the runner's high. Apparently, when people exercise, they get this rush of endorphins that makes them feel really good. Other people say that after they exercise they feel really good, more energy for the rest of their day. Some people feel they cannot start their day without exercising because it gets them going. I have never, in my entire life, experienced any of these effects. The only reason I exercise is because I know it's good for me. I've never felt any rush of endorphins. I have never experienced any noticeable increase in energy for the day. I just get a little sweaty and my muscles get tired. I don't know if this is because I'm doing it wrong or because I just don't have those genes, but it makes exercising difficult. The one thing I like about exercising is it's a way to get out of the house. For those days that I feel a little cabin fever or a little tension in the casa, it's nice to get out of the house. This past week, I went to the gym one out of seven days. Because I don't want to leave J alone in the house in the morning, I don't exercise until after she's at school which means I only have 2 mornings that I have time to work out. I also have found I don't have the motivation or energy to make it to the gym after work, so I don't end up going on the other week days. The weekends I spend with the family and so I generally don't go out on my own for those days. This week, I worked out on Monday and didn't get motivation to get out on Friday. I did end up walking to the store over the weekend, though, to pick up some last minute Super Bowl ingredients. That was about a 1 1/2 or 2 mile walk which isn't terrible (I DO NOT run!). I did work out today, and Jordan is at science camp for until Thursday, so I should be able to get my 3 work outs in without a problem. I just need to figure out how to get that 3rd day in during the week. I could either force myself to work out after school Wed. Thurs. or Fri. or make an attempt to get out of the house over the weekend. We'll see how that works out.

Emotional Rollercoaster

This week has been a very, very tough one for me. I've had some high highs and some low lows. I've had to make some big decisions and then had to figure out what those decisions really mean. I've had to have some very tough conversations and figure out what to say and what not to say. It's been a struggle throughout the week and while we're on the high side of things right now, there's still the glimpse of the valley and the question of when we'll be back down there again and what will I do when I get there. As the week has gone on, I've realized that each of my New Year's resolutions have an emotional component to them. When I'm sad or angry or frustrated, I like to hide from those emotions. One way I do that is by going shopping. I don't have to face my feelings when I'm looking for things to buy - whether frivolous things or practical things. And the longer I shop (and the more money I spend) the longer I get to put off the feelings. Another way I hide from emotions is through mindless entertainment - sitting on the couch watching TV or playing on the internet. When I'm walking to and from the gym, I have to think (I don't have an Ipod). When I'm numbing my brain, I don't have to think. So, I've worked in continuing my resolutions despite the emotions. I was partially successful. Still not within the budget exactly. Worked out 2 instead of 3 days. Half the week was responsible on the internet. It hasn't been perfect but I'm a work in progress. I'm not giving up yet.

The New Year

I don't really do New Year's Resolutions. They don't seem to stick and I've never like going along with the expected. So when my hubby asked me what my resolution was, I said I didn't make one. He didn't accept that answer from me - he has a major resolution he made and is working on and so he figured I should have one, too. I figured that was fair - I'm very happy with the changes he's making so I'd like to reciprocate if possible. And then, because I like to overshoot the mark (thus the 22 years of post high school schooling), I came up with three different resolutions. The first one is the typical, expected, lame one - I'd like to work out more often. More specifically, I'd like to work out 3-5 times a week for at least a half hour. Our apartment complex has a fairly nice gym - not fancy, but OK; and we also have some different Wii games that get me moving. The second resolution is to work on paying off my loans. Between school loans, personal loans, and credit cards, I have quite a hefty balance. In the next year, I'd like to at least cut 1/3 from the total balance of that loan amount and I'll only be able to do that if I keep myself to a stricter budget. The final resolution is in regards to the internet. Because a majority of my work (outside the classroom) is on the computer, my main time waster is going to internet websites again and again and again to check and see if there's something new and interesting to see since the last time I checked it 15 minutes ago. So the resolution is that I only visit a website (besides my work email) once in a 24 hour period.
Now, we're already into the 4th week of January and you may wonder how I'm doing, and I'll say its ok. I've worked out at least once a week for the past 3 weeks. I'm only $20 over my budget for next week (which means I've spent this week's budget and started spending next week's) and I'm making consistent, if less than desired, payments to my loans. I've also managed to keep my internet visits somewhat under control. Actually, that's the one I'm doing best and my work has definitely benefitted. But as you can see, I'm not doing exactly what I want. That's the reason for this blog entry. I don't actually know if anyone is following this blog anymore - 1 year later I expect some aren't checking anymore and the others will be surprised when something shows up on your Google Reader - but I wanted to put in writing my progress over the next 12 months. Don't know if this will help me keep myself in line, but each of my resolutions will result in a better life for me, my family, and my work so I'm doing what I can to succeed. Wish me well!