My Grandma C

One of my first memories of life is sitting in the upstairs at my grandma and grandpa C's house, the house they owned since my mother was a toddler, going to the toy cupboard. The toy cupboards were in the alcove at the top of the stairs and were 4 doors set in the eaves of the house. My grandma had filled them with all kinds of delightful things for us kids to play with. When I went to grad school with J, we got to go back to grandma's house for holidays and over the summer, and grandma still had toys stocked away. They were relegated to a couple drawers set next to the original cupboards, but never failed to keep J entertained. I remember sitting in grandma's kitchen, looking out at the bird feeder she always kept stocked. I remember walking next door to a relative (Aunt Ruth?) and further down the street to Aunt Ginny's and, really early on, to Great Grandma Strong's house. My grandparents were the first to build a house on that street and family followed. Family was very, very important to them. When my family moved out west I was 4 years old. I remember sitting in the car with grandma and grandpa and talking on the CB radio to my parents, feeling very cool using trucker talk - 10-4 good buddy! And of course they would always come out to visit us and inevitably painted or wallpapered or did some sort of project around the house. My grandma was a very comforting presence to have around. And she was hilarious. She had that dry humor that gets me going. I'm so glad we had 4 years living nearby (well, a 9 hour drive away, but still near enough to visit several times a year) so that we could visit. I always knew we had a place to stay and feel welcomed anytime. And of course there would be a bag packed full of goodies to take with us when it was time to go home. I haven't had a chance to go back and visit my grandma since I left grad school. Things are much different now, though. Although I could still recite the address for you, my grandma's house has been sold to someone new. And if we went to visit her, she probably would not recognize J or I, the dementia that took hold of her mother has taken hold of her as well. The grandma that I remember is no longer there, and I miss that. So I just needed to say, I love you grandma. Thank you for all the love you've given to J and I, and I look forward to visiting your new home in heaven someday.

The Influences

Another thing that has become more clear to me over the past month and a half is that my bad habits are not just there because of bad choices I make. No man is an island and apparently no woman is either. I am surrounded by people who have their input in my life in ways that make good choices hard to make sometimes. I'm not saying they are asking me to do evil things. They're not telling me to fail in my resolutions. Mostly, they have my good interests at heart, but they still are causing some problems with my resolutions.
The first influence is on the money issue. While my real resolution is to pay off my loans, I can't do that if I'm spending too much money and not earning enough money. Unfortunately, both areas of my life have run into some outside influences in the past 1 1/2 months. One source of income has been put on pause since the end of December and while I'm working on getting it back, not having that money means I have little or no money left at the end of the month. Then there are the influences on my spending. My family has very particular tastes with food and supplies. VERY particular tastes. And meeting their needs (I would actually call them wants, but they would call them needs) means I spend more money than I would if I was just buying stuff on my own. I'm relatively cheap, they are not. This is an area I'm not sure I can work around gracefully. Thankfully, I have a chance to teach an extra course in March and April and hopefully one or two over the summer that will bring in some more income, so as long as I'm smart and don't waste that money, I should be able to continue on with my goal.
The other influence is on my working out. My husband doesn't like me to be gone from the home when he's here. It's nice to know he likes to be with me, but that means either I upset him and go to the gym or I find time to work out when he's not here. My daughter needs to be home at the end of a school day to get her homework and chores done. Sometimes those take all night and if I leave her alone they definitely take longer than they should. I could get up earlier in the morning (yeah right) but then I would either get up REALLY early, or not be here while she was getting ready and she'd never get to school on time. On Friday, I had a whole plan laid out to work out after my class (because I goofed off before class and didn't have time - I can't blame it all on other people) and then go get J. That plan became null and void when I got a call from the nurse's office at her school telling me she had been throwing up for 5 minutes after lunch.This week I'm going to try again to get the Monday and Friday workouts in, and maybe take a walk over the weekend. When summer comes (which is the beginning of May for me) I'll have more time available to myself and can schedule that in more easily, and my schedule and J's will change next semester (she'll be starting class at the middle school about an hour earlier than the elementary school and I'm teaching later in the day on Tues/Thurs) which should leave me more time as well. We'll see how that works out.
The third resolution, I have nobody to blame but myself. I'm a time waster and nobody causes me to do that but myself. A guest speaker at church today was talking about living life purposefully and one thing he talked about was the time wasters that we get engaged in - specifically those that include a computer or television screen. He was absolutely right of course, and so I made a commitment to get rid of 2 more sites that I look at regularly, one of which is particularly time gobbling. So that's where I am right now. Working on my own issues and trying to work around other people's issues. We'll see how it all ends up.

OK, OK, I get the point

I've been working with my pastor's wife through the past couple months discussing my marriage issues. In each discussion she brings up a book that she thinks will be helpful to help me understand how to do my part to make the marriage work better. One of the books is called Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. My pastor references it regularly in church and she said it would help me to set boundaries for myself and my husband. I thought about getting it but kept forgetting. Then today, I was looking at a friend's blog and he wrote a book review of the book. Another book is called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Several couple small groups in my church are going over that book and she suggested it might be helpful. I agreed and said I'd look into it, but just never got around to it. And then today I was looking at people's status updates on facebook and one of my friends wrote about something she learned from the book.
So, I took the hint and ordered both books from my school's library today. While my internet addiction is problematic in many ways, it can help a little bit, too. (Am I rationalizing too much?)

Conquering an Addiction

The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem and so I'll admit that I have an internet addiction problem. When I have to grade, or prep a class, or write and edit an article, the computer offers me a way to escape the drudgery and empty my mind for a little bit. The main issue with this addiction is that I absolutely have to use the internet for my job. While an alcoholic can avoid a bar and a smoker can stay away from cigarettes, my job requires me to encounter my addiction on a daily basis. Another issue is that the internet can actually be helpful. When I'm in the middle of a challenging or mind numbing task, taking a quick break can help me come back to my work refreshed and ready to go. Notice that I wrote "quick break." It's not always a "quick break." Sometimes it's a "rest of the work day break." Or a "just look at one more thing break." Thus the resolution that I look at each website only once a day. I have cheated on that resolution. There have been days when I wasted the entire day instead of being productive. But I'm making progress. In fact, I actually eliminated a website from my list of daily things to check. And I'm getting better at only checking on the different sites when I'm needing a break from work - work first, then play. I have not conquered this addiction by any means. Play is still a lot more fun than work. But I'm getting better. And now that I've written this, I have some work to get back to...

The Elusive Runner's High

I've heard tales of this phenomenon known as the runner's high. Apparently, when people exercise, they get this rush of endorphins that makes them feel really good. Other people say that after they exercise they feel really good, more energy for the rest of their day. Some people feel they cannot start their day without exercising because it gets them going. I have never, in my entire life, experienced any of these effects. The only reason I exercise is because I know it's good for me. I've never felt any rush of endorphins. I have never experienced any noticeable increase in energy for the day. I just get a little sweaty and my muscles get tired. I don't know if this is because I'm doing it wrong or because I just don't have those genes, but it makes exercising difficult. The one thing I like about exercising is it's a way to get out of the house. For those days that I feel a little cabin fever or a little tension in the casa, it's nice to get out of the house. This past week, I went to the gym one out of seven days. Because I don't want to leave J alone in the house in the morning, I don't exercise until after she's at school which means I only have 2 mornings that I have time to work out. I also have found I don't have the motivation or energy to make it to the gym after work, so I don't end up going on the other week days. The weekends I spend with the family and so I generally don't go out on my own for those days. This week, I worked out on Monday and didn't get motivation to get out on Friday. I did end up walking to the store over the weekend, though, to pick up some last minute Super Bowl ingredients. That was about a 1 1/2 or 2 mile walk which isn't terrible (I DO NOT run!). I did work out today, and Jordan is at science camp for until Thursday, so I should be able to get my 3 work outs in without a problem. I just need to figure out how to get that 3rd day in during the week. I could either force myself to work out after school Wed. Thurs. or Fri. or make an attempt to get out of the house over the weekend. We'll see how that works out.