A Fairly Painful Day

Don't read this post. No really, I fully expect that you will choose not to read my rants and just move on to another less painful posting from someone else. And it's totally fine because I will never know you didn't read this. I was feeling a need to post and didn't want to just use this blog as a place to whine and complain until I realized that nobody is forcing anybody to read this blog at all. And after a short time, hopefully, the pain will diminish and the posts will get much lighter and fluffier. At least that's the hope.
Today was a very painful day. I decided to leave my husband 2 weeks and 1 day ago. I knew that the lying, cheating, manipulating, controlling, and abusive language was never going to end and it was hurting me and worse than that, it was hurting my 12-year-old daughter. I don't need her to have to deal with the pain. While it is a relief to be in a calmer home with less pain and pressure, it's still really hard. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in a really long time and I haven't been able to work consistently since I moved. Last Monday, he asked me if I had gotten the paperwork to sign to end the marriage. I said I hadn't. Today he texted to tell me the paperwork was ready to sign. Now I know that life is not a fairy tale. I know that movies aren't real. But it hurts that the one man I finally decided to marry after 35 years of life will not fight to make something work. It hurts that he has already moved on to another woman. It hurts that he wouldn't go out of his way to do much during our marriage, but he rushed around to get the divorce papers like it was the most urgent thing ever. Then today he sent me a cute little text that was meant for his ex wife/new girlfriend. When I responded that he'd written the wrong person, he told me he was messing with me. First of all, that's a total lie. Second of all, would it be better if he really meant it as a joke? I really, really hope that today's the last day I sit and cry over this.
My wedding anniversary would be this coming Sunday. I didn't even make it to the first. I'm like Brittney Spears or Jennifer Lopez. I'll probably cry on that day, too. But maybe that will be the end. Cuz I know I did absolutely everything I could to salvage this marriage. I did everything I could to work with him. I changed as much as I could while being faithful to the things that are most important. I read books and sought spiritual counsel. I worked through whatever issues I could on my own and talked to him about things we needed to work through together. And I listened to his promises and his apologies. And I forgave and believed in him. And then I just couldn't any more. I had no more things to change. I had no more books to read. My spiritual counsel told me I had to leave. And yet I really, really wanted him to try to keep me. I really wanted him to beg for me to come back. I wanted him to fight for me. I wanted him to keep all his promises. As I walked out of his apartment today, with the papers all signed, I saw him for the last time. I never have to see him again. All future correspondence can be by mail. It's all done. Goodbye Dr. C. Hello Dr. B.

The End

He wants to sign the papers today, so I guess this is the end. Feeling a little melancholy.

Revamping

So now that things have changed significantly, I have to rethink my earlier resolutions as they now have different requirements. Exercising is going to be difficult because I no longer have a gym to go to. The condo community we're in has a pool and a volleyball court, but no gym. I could sign up for the gym across the street, but that would hurt resolution #2. I might have to start working out with the Wii again. It's not my favorite way to exercise, but it's available in my home and its free as long as I don't buy new games. A couple of the ones I have right now gave me an OK workout, so I'll have to try them again. As for the past week, I totally ruled in the exercise category - I moved a whole apartment worth of stuff (with some help, it's true) and so I will take credit for fully incorporating the exercise. As for this week, I played Wii with J yesterday, but it was only golf and tennis so my right arm got some work, but the rest of me just stood there.
For resolution #2, I have to figure out what my new budget is going to be. I have an idea right now, but need to get the first bills to make sure I'm right. I've already decreased my weekly shopping bill by almost 1/3 and there are some things we had that I will no longer be paying for. But we still will have higher payments than we did before. For my week last week, it was a gigantic fail, but that was because I had to buy items for the home that we left behind - he wasn't in a sharing mood when we left and did not give me everything he had promised. We are set at this point, however, and so I should be able to figure out the new budget by the end of April. In the meantime, I will shop judiciously and hope for the best.
My 3rd resolution shouldn't change much - the internet is just as tempting in the condo as it was in the apartment. I definitely used it as an escape last week. And I resolve to continue the work. I've been having trouble concentrating on grading and lesson planning though. So even when I'm not playing, I'm not working. I have A LOT of grading to do since its nearing the end of the semester and I added the extra course. Get to work Dr. C!!!

Moving Masters

So after deciding to leave on Sunday I was a little nervous about finding a new place in a good amount of time, keeping J in her school, getting things moved out, etc. My city has a lot of nice areas but those nicer areas do not have a lot of choices for rent and keeping it cheap can be difficult. When we lived alone before we paid $1400/month just for the rent which is pretty ridiculous. So I started looking for something cheaper and determined that I could either get a two bedroom apartment in a shady area (looking at the crime maps I found 5 sex offenders and 10 violent crimes in a week within a 10 block radius of the apartment) or I could get a one bedroom apartment in a nice area. I had settled on staying in the same apartment complex I currently lived in and just getting a one-bedroom to share with J - turns out the square footage was almost the same as many two bedrooms - and I was planning to go in and sign papers on Wednesday. When I talked to my pastor's wife on Tuesday about this, she had some reservations about me staying in the same complex. Some distance was needed. I mentioned to my small group on Tuesday that I was moving and on the way home, one of the women mentioned a condo she had looked at previously that week that was two bedrooms and two blocks away from where we were living. So, I called to look at the condo Wednesday morning. I went in at 10 and spent about 15 minutes looking at it - it was pretty nice, great area, nice condo community, quiet, etc. and asked her when I could move in - that day, the next? She called the condo owner and they had me fax my application to them. I got it to them at 12:30. At 4:00 I got an email that I was accepted for move in as soon as I wanted. I called my pastor and he said he's get some guys to help move. At 8:30 AM on Thursday a group of 7-8 guys were in my apartment loading stuff up. At 9:20 I got the keys and signed the lease. By 11:30 AM, the storage unity was empty and everything was in my place that needed to be there. At 6:00, a guy came by with a brand new bed frame (I only have a mattress) and set it up for me. And at 10:30 PM last night, every box - except the 7 that are in J's tornado of a room - was unpacked and everything in its place.
I am so thankful for the support system I have in this city. It's hard living far away from my family (my closest family lives 1 1/2 hours from me and the rest live 16 hours away) when things like this happen, but as soon as I told two people at church about the issue, they started praying. As soon as I said I was moving, people stepped up with help. I sometimes feel cut off because I'm not the most social person. I don't like hanging out with large groups of people and I don't like having to ask for help. I tend to just try to do things for myself and that has served me pretty well. I'm able to live independently and take care of what needs taking care of. But there are times when I just can't manage on my own. I need a shoulder to cry on sometimes. I need a helping hand to get things done sometimes. I need a place to hang out sometimes. I need someone to tell me they love me and they'll be praying for me sometimes. These past 5 days I've had all of the above and I don't know how I would have made it through without them.
But mostly I'm thankful to God for working out the timing of everything. It's Spring Break this week so I had some time and space the melt down. My small group friend had just looked at this condo and the very time I needed a suggestion of a place to rent. The guys from my church had time, or took the time, to come and move me in the morning of a working day - none of them were college students with Spring Break. I had people to hang out with on Tuesday and Wednesday night so I could get out of the house and avoid the venom that was dripping from the mouth of my spouse. He clearly took care of me this week and I know He will continue to do so as I adjust to all this in the coming days/weeks/months/years.
And I'm thankful to all of you reading this blog with me. I know many of you have been praying for me, too. I know you have, because I've felt the blessings that came from that. And now I'm going to stop with this because I've cried way too often over the past year and I would like to avoid making a scene in the coffee shop today. I love you all and, even though I can't give you a real-life hug right now, I am sending cyberhugs and kisses (since it's virtual, I can be more fake touchy-feely than I would be in real life) your way.
OK, to end on a lighter note - J asked me if I was going to look for someone else to date. When I told her I wasn't going to, she expressed concern that I would be lonely when she left me. I told her I would be fine - meaning to tell her that I would have my job and my friends to keep me company. She then proceeded to tell me, "Yeah, you'll have your cats to keep you company." Punk!

A Brief Vent

Today, I got to overhear him asking his ex-wife out for a lunch date. I HAVE to get out of here NOW!

The Power of the Written Word

Last summer I was in Africa with my school. I was newly married, lonely, missing home, struggling to minister to my students and to the people we met there. While in a foreign country on a trip like this, it is very common for people to journal their thoughts and experiences - for posterity, or to help them process what they're going through. Because of this, for the past 2 years on these trips, my co-leader and I have handed out journals to our students and given them chances - and sometimes assignments - to write. This summer, however, I found myself unable to write. I don't really know why to this day. Maybe because I was too emotional to write. Maybe I ran out of words to say after writing my dissertation. I don't know. I never was hugely into journaling. I process ideas better when they are said out loud than when they are written (maybe that's why I study Communication rather than English). But there have been times in my life that writing something down has been very helpful. Instead of helping me process something (which I do orally), it helps make something permanent in my mind. Once its written down, it is finished. Seeing it in black and white makes it concrete in a way that speaking it does not. Does this make any sense? So at the beginning of this year when I started blogging again, I wasn't sure how it would go. I wasn't sure I'd find the words, but since my purpose was not to discover something, but to make the things I had already processed real, it seemed to work for me.
So now I'm going to write something down and make it real. I'm going to put it down in black and white so maybe I can accept it and begin to move on. I really, really don't want to though. I want to avoid making the words real in a way that they can't be taken back, you know? I want to keep the fake smile on my face, laugh through the big problems and pretend they're little and normal. But I think we're past that now. I think reality needs to set in.
Last night, for probably the 10th time in our less than 1 year marriage, my husband told me he didn't want to be married to me. Now, he might come to me again and tell me he's sorry, like he's done in the past. He might say that he really didn't mean it and he doesn't want to lose me. He might even say he'll do counseling, just like he's said he'd do counseling before, but never did it. You see, he said it out loud, he didn't put it in writing. He thinks he can just press delete and all the issues will be gone. Don't dwell in the past, he tells me. But I think this time I'm going to have to put it in writing for him. I think this time I'm going to have to call the apartment complex to find availability, instead of just looking at it online. I think this time, I'm going to call the phone company and insurance company and separate our policies. I think this time, the words are permanent.

Hurricane Season

Last night, my small group met and the icebreaker of the day was to give your week's forecast (or postcast since it already happened?). My week was a hurricane. Last week I had two huge time gobblers vying for my attention. One was an organization Jordan is in called DI - destination imagination. In the organization, teams choose a challenge which they (the kids) have to do themselves. Jordan's group chose to write a story for 3 different audiences. They have to perform it and do props for it as well. They chose to do a story about a kid who finds a genie in a lamp. They chose to perform it for teenagers (and added attitude in the way they told it), the hearing impaired (and each learned their lines in sign language), and to underwater sea creatures (and used word bubbles). It was pretty creative and the props they built were cool, too. I'll post pictures when I get a minute. So the competition was last Saturday and we spent 3+ hours a day, every single day, for a week and a half getting them ready for the competition. I didn't make it to each of the practices, but at least half of them I was helping (we couldn't do anything to help them physically, but this group needs a lot of motivation). So I spent Saturday - pretty much the entire day - in Pasadena for the competition. Jordan's group won, fortunately (?) so her team goes on to the state competition in Sacramento next month.
The other time gobbler was a new course I'm teaching. It is all online and my school doesn't open up the online platform for the course until 10 days prior to the first day. Since I've never taught it before, that means 10 days of intense preparation (I had to video lectures too, ugh). So that was added to my workload. Add to that the fact that we're in midterms now - so grading and test prepping. Also add in that I have a family and a life (supposedly) and I was feeling a bit stressed. This week has been very busy, too, finishing up the grading and catching up on things I didn't do last week. Needless to say, spring break next week will be a huge relief. Because of my hectic life, I worked out one day last week and took no walks. I haven't worked out at all this week but have been taking the evening walks (and I weighed myself yesterday with very positive results!). I also spent way too much money last week - getting snacks for the kids, rushing to the store whenever we needed something instead of having a carefully planned list. I think I have enough groceries now to last through part of next week, though, so I'll make it up. Also I got a raise for next school year which will contribute to the paying of the loans. As for the internet playing, I've done some, but I had so much to get done, and I did get so much done, I can't make myself care. So that means my resolutions and goals have not been met for 2 weeks, and I will think more carefully about that when I have another moment to spare - in one day and 43 minutes from now.

Sometimes we're up, sometimes we're down

So this week was a mixed bag. I managed to exercise Monday and Friday AND I walked the dog a little extra EVERY DAY except Friday when it was raining, so I feel very good about that. I eliminated some more websites from my list of time wasters and the only ones that are left are quick and simple. I also managed to keep totally in my budget today. Sounds good, right? Well one major hiccup came on Friday. My man found out that he might lose his job. He works for a school district and, since he was the most recent person hired in his department, will be the first to be cut. The cut would probably come this summer if a new budget isn't passed. So, we're trying to find new ways to cut our budget for that potential rainy day. He's also put applications out for more secure companies to work for. We'll see how that all works out.
On a different note, I got the book Boundaries in Marriage and have read all but 1 1/2 chapters. It's been amazing in helping me change my perspective and set up important boundaries. And yesterday my man and I had our most productive disagreement ever. Progress!