Insulation, as far as I (a non-homeowner) understand it, blocks the transfer of heat between the home and the outdoors, protecting the people inside from the elements. It's a good thing, right? Something that keeps us all nice and warm and cozy in the winter and keeps us from broiling in the summer. It helps us save on heating and air conditioning bills, thus making it good for the environment. Why then is insulation not as good a thing for an individual? I was confronted this summer with insulating myself, protecting myself, from relationships. The person confronting me specifically referred to romantic relationships, but as I have been considering this idea over the past year (even before she talked to me about it) I realized that I have insulating myself from all relationships. It's much more comfortable for me to be in my own routine, in my own house, in my own world. Letting others into my world means that I must change something about myself and thus no longer being comfortable. It costs more to be uninsulated, it's not as cozy, and there is a potential of discomfort that I just don't like. I can tell myself that I'm an introvert, that this is my personality and there's nothing I can do about that, but that's not really an option. You see, Christ didn't tell us to go out and love on people if we're extroverted, letting the introverts just hang out in the wings. In fact, when poor old introverted Martha tried to hide in the kitchen and get the work done instead of hanging in the living room with the guests (I can totally relate to this, not the getting work done part, but the hiding part) He called her out on it and told her that being with Him was better. And He is with people, not with things. When I'm at home I've got just one person with me, and as important as she is, it's really not healthy for her or for me to have her my only person. So I've been trying, off and on, for the past year to get better at this relationship thing. And while the idea of dating makes me feel a little sick to my stomach (I HATE dating), the idea of making friends and trying to be a part of a real community isn't quite as frightening. And yes, writing this all out on a blog that most people probably aren't following anymore is not necessarily the most relational thing, I'm making a commitment (another word I'm not fond of) to actively work on those relationships instead of waiting for people to come to me.
Pray for me, I'll need it.
3 comments:
You are brave to be putting your true self out there - I WILL be praying for you that as you are serving others and loving others you would be filled with His wisdom and discernment. Thanks for being vulnerable - it ain't easy.
Love you!
ginger
Cyndi,
It was good to read where you are right now. Thanks for writing it all down and sharing your feelings and commitment. You know that I love you and am glad for your friendship! I will be praying for you in your daily interactions with others. Love you!
It takes 5 years for many people to start to feel home in a new location. What has helped me in the last couple years has been accepting positions of responsibility in areas I felt passionately about. It allows me to work with others and develop relationships as a natural byproduct. This seems a lot more natural to me than just "trying to be friendly". I suck at that.
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