A Fairly Painful Day

Don't read this post. No really, I fully expect that you will choose not to read my rants and just move on to another less painful posting from someone else. And it's totally fine because I will never know you didn't read this. I was feeling a need to post and didn't want to just use this blog as a place to whine and complain until I realized that nobody is forcing anybody to read this blog at all. And after a short time, hopefully, the pain will diminish and the posts will get much lighter and fluffier. At least that's the hope.
Today was a very painful day. I decided to leave my husband 2 weeks and 1 day ago. I knew that the lying, cheating, manipulating, controlling, and abusive language was never going to end and it was hurting me and worse than that, it was hurting my 12-year-old daughter. I don't need her to have to deal with the pain. While it is a relief to be in a calmer home with less pain and pressure, it's still really hard. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in a really long time and I haven't been able to work consistently since I moved. Last Monday, he asked me if I had gotten the paperwork to sign to end the marriage. I said I hadn't. Today he texted to tell me the paperwork was ready to sign. Now I know that life is not a fairy tale. I know that movies aren't real. But it hurts that the one man I finally decided to marry after 35 years of life will not fight to make something work. It hurts that he has already moved on to another woman. It hurts that he wouldn't go out of his way to do much during our marriage, but he rushed around to get the divorce papers like it was the most urgent thing ever. Then today he sent me a cute little text that was meant for his ex wife/new girlfriend. When I responded that he'd written the wrong person, he told me he was messing with me. First of all, that's a total lie. Second of all, would it be better if he really meant it as a joke? I really, really hope that today's the last day I sit and cry over this.
My wedding anniversary would be this coming Sunday. I didn't even make it to the first. I'm like Brittney Spears or Jennifer Lopez. I'll probably cry on that day, too. But maybe that will be the end. Cuz I know I did absolutely everything I could to salvage this marriage. I did everything I could to work with him. I changed as much as I could while being faithful to the things that are most important. I read books and sought spiritual counsel. I worked through whatever issues I could on my own and talked to him about things we needed to work through together. And I listened to his promises and his apologies. And I forgave and believed in him. And then I just couldn't any more. I had no more things to change. I had no more books to read. My spiritual counsel told me I had to leave. And yet I really, really wanted him to try to keep me. I really wanted him to beg for me to come back. I wanted him to fight for me. I wanted him to keep all his promises. As I walked out of his apartment today, with the papers all signed, I saw him for the last time. I never have to see him again. All future correspondence can be by mail. It's all done. Goodbye Dr. C. Hello Dr. B.