Something's Missing

I'm missing something. The problem is, I can't admit I'm missing it. I can't, because I'm not supposed to be missing it. I'm supposed to much better off where I am. I'm supposed to be happy that things are calmer. I'm supposed to be a strong woman who doesn't need anyone else to make me satisfied. I'm not supposed to be checking my phone every hour to see if I've missed a text or a call. I'm supposed to be relieved that there is no more verbal abuse, no more angry silences, no more controlling behavior. Weak women go back to their abusers, and forgive the unforgivable and I'm not a weak woman. I'm a strong woman. I deserve better than that. I deserve someone who loves me "just as I am." I shouldn't be willing to get whatever I'm given, I should demand to get all that I deserve. So I can't admit that I want something. I can't admit that I consider getting it back, going back. I have to pretend that I'm better. I have to pretend that I'm where I want to be and doing what I want to do. And I'm getting good at pretending. I pretended all day on Sunday. I pretend while I continue to check my phone. And when the TV, or the books, or the work, or the traveling around/busyness doesn't drown out those traitorous thoughts, I have to tell myself again what I should be doing/thinking/saying/feeling. So I can pretend I'm not missing something.